The Disney illusion

This time last week I was skipping around Disneyland Paris struggling to make decisions such as, what flavour ice cream to have next or whether I should have marshmallows in my hot chocolate. It was a hard life.

We jumped on the Eurostar on Friday morning and before i’d even had the chance to blink we were pulling in to Disneyland’s very own train station. You could feel the excitement emanating around the carriage. Mum and I sat back, drank a glass of wine and discussed all of the exciting things we’d get to do in the next few days. You could see the tension fall out of my mum’s shoulders, the excitement fill my brothers eyes as he had been torn away from his beloved Xbox and the relief of a few days off work for my stepdad. For me, it meant 4 whole days away from my current reality…. the timing was perfect for my mind. Not so much with the practicalities of the job hunt but everything else.

Once we’d sorted the logistics of dumping our bags at the beautiful hotel, which was like a dream come true I hasten to add, it was situated in the midst of a forest, and even the hotel was artificially made to smell like a forest…. LIVING THE DREAM! We headed to the Disney parks, we walked through the gates and it felt like we were transferred to a different world, well I guess we were…. Disneyland! There was total JOY everywhere.

If a child fell and banged their knee, they may have cried momentarily only to be almost instantly distracted by the face of their favourite character or the prospect of yet another chocolate filled crepe. My brother and I physically skipped from A to B and by the end of the first day my brother was actually asking to skip with me. Do you know how long its been since he has asked to do something like that? It was quite overwhelming! Although we spent hours queuing for rides or attractions, we got to huddle like penguins in the freezing cold, hum to our favourite tunes and talk about our life,  play silly games and enjoy being total children whilst waiting. It was absolutely fantastic. Even the adults were filled with this sense of joy, happiness and excitement . I thought, if only they would bring that with them into their every day life because IT IS POSSIBLE. You can find that level of joy in real life… without the Disney stuff.

It was such a special time for me to spend with my family, my brother in particular as he was like a different child. In fact, it was just that, he was like a child!! He wasn’t trying to keep up appearances on his Xbox front or look cool in front of his friends because they were nowhere to be seen. I ate a lot of cheese, pudding and drank a lot of really good beer which was good and I got to scream out my current frustrations on the rollercoasters in a socially acceptable environment. Also very good, I highly recommend it, if you can get to your local theme park! I returned to life feeling a little calmer, more refreshed and ready to start again.

It wasn’t until I was driving back early Tuesday morning from Norfolk to Derby to get to work that I received a message simply asking ‘How’s the job hunt going?’ and I realised that I was back in reality…. but then I reminded myself that I choose my reality, and if I can find joy in a make believe land why can’t I choose to find that in my own life? It might not be as easy but it’s a choice and I’m choosing to, I might get it wrong and I might mess up but i’ve got nothing to loose so…

Here goes.

 

Breathe life.

Sometimes, some of the most important lessons to be learnt are the hardest and often take the longest. Even this alone can take a long time to realise.

Filling your life with joy and life bringers is so incredibly important but, how many of us actually do that? How many of us remain in unhealthy, life destroying relationships that kill our joy just because it is the easy option, or we’re trying to please other people? It’s tough when it takes so long to realise you have surrounded yourself with the wrong people but once you realise you have a series of choices you can make, These choices can either provide an escape route from these relationships or leave you very much in the midst of them. At this point however, the decision is down to you. It’s your responsibility.

My life looks so much better when I actively choose to spend my time with people who fill me with joy, life, faith, reality and truth. Things begin to look brighter, more hopeful and I laugh more. I am aware of my worth and all that I can bring to a friendship. Who I am is valued rather than who I need to try and be and that in itself is such a huge relief. Spending time with people who invest in you, lift you up and fill you with joy is how life is supposed to be. Individuals who pull you back into place when you slip into negative behaviours and ways of life.

When I think about my life and the people who fill me with life and goodness, it’s when I am with them that I am my happiest, when I feel the most hopeful and feel like I can take over the universe. I am so grateful to these people for showing me what life can look like if I surround myself with the right individuals. How my life can be transformed just in a few hours of being with them.

So, I urge you all to evaluate your relationships, surround yourself with the life breathers. Focus on you, fill your life with love and positive relationships because it sure is too short to be unhappy and drained of all that is good. YOUR IDENTITY IS MORE THAN WHAT SOMEBODY ELSE THINKS. Nobody has time for negative nellies, be the person you would want to meet.

Be a life bringer.

An open letter to a friend who once was.

Dear Friend,

You’re not really a part of my life any more but, that’s okay. You taught me how to laugh, you taught me how to rebel against what I thought I should do rather than what I wanted to do, to take risks. You taught me how to be young when so much of my life was asking me to do otherwise. You taught me that binge eating biscuits on occasion was okay and you taught me that I could do so much more than I thought I ever could.

I used to be angry, bitter, even hateful. Not any more, at least not for the most part. I will never understand what you did or why you did it but, I hope you realise now that it was wrong and it hurt, not just because it was me but because you should never had uttered the words you did to any human being let alone someone you were calling your friend. Your words wounded me and those wounds have left scars. Scars that have taken far too long to become even bearable to discuss.

Every now and again I bump into you, a shadow of our past hangs in the air as something we do not really even acknowledge existed. I think about you all the time, what we’d be doing, how we’d be, where we’d be,  all the milestones we missed growing up but, I understand that we have both walked very different paths and that you’re very intelligent and are going to go far in life. We always knew this, you were always five steps ahead of me, now we can see it playing out and nothing has changed. You’re incredible.

There are days when I still miss you, long for the adventures, the tree climbing, the sleepovers, the risk taking and the super random things we seemed to become entangled within. I don’t blame you for making the decisions you did, I just don’t understand why you took the approach you did, but it happened and we’re probably both very different people for it.  I hope you’ve learnt from it and recognise what you did was hurtful. We went through so much together and it all ended so fast. I’ll always be grateful for the memories I have and and I hope that one day they are not tinged with quite so much sadness. I hope that you still remember the fun we had and trials we faced together because they make part of me who I am today.

Most of all, I hope that you are doing well. That you’re still full of the same energy and zest for life that you inspired me with and that you’re working towards achieving every thing you ever dreamed of.

Thank you for everything we shared together,

Lots of love,
Emma

Please, just for one minute.

It wasn’t until last week that I realised just what I was doing. Every week I take time out to volunteer at a family group; the majority of families are refugees and asylum seekers. It provides a safe space for families to bring their young ones, socialise, have a cup of coffee and just take a breath from their usual routine. It’s great.  It’s such a fab way of building communities and making friends. There’s an abundance of toys for the children to play with, and a baby area filled with soft mats and blankets. There’s a craft corner for older children to get involved with play d’oh, colouring and other such activities, and there’s always a floor full of toy cars. It’s great, there really is something for everyone.

This group happens every week, every week is different and brings news and old faces. I get to make new friends, support people and cuddle babies.What’s not to love?

Last week however, I had a sort of ‘eureka’ moment, a moment of realisation about what I was actually doing, what I was involved with, with this particular group. It was coming towards to end of the session and we were tidying up; one mother thrust her child into my arms asking me to hold her newborn for ‘just one minute’ whilst she took a breath and popped to the bathroom. It was in this moment I realised the extensive degree of trust I had built with these incredible individuals and the responsibility that lay in my hands. They had trusted me with their child, their newborn child. For those brief moments this particular lady found some respite, she had a moment to herself and I was able to create that for her just by holding her child. What an opportunity, what a blessing.

It was in that moment, I realised what was happening. I realised what it was all about. I felt a tear or two escape the corner of my eye as I took a moment to step back and just watch everyone around me. Chaos. Beautiful chaos. People from all over the world, more nationalities than I could count on my own hands all speaking one language…. Love.

As I held the tiny baby, all dressed in pink knitwear, in the nook of my arm, I was filled with love and joy as I stood as part of a community. I realised just how much this little family meant to me, how protective I have become over the bonds we have built and the moments we share together. We may be dysfunctional, we may be chaotic, messy and walking difficult paths and it might not always be easy and it might not always be pretty but, we’re doing it together, and we’re doing it all through the eyes of love.

What a blessing.