Set up to fail.

It’s been well over a year since my last post and we’re still in the midst of a global pandemic irrespective of what our government are trying to tell us. Life does look different. My family have been through hell and back, losing 3 members of family. It’s been shit. There’s no other way to say it.

I’m now a qualified teacher and have worked bloody hard to get to this point. I love my job. I love the children I work with and I love (most of) the people I work with too. They’re an awesome team who mostly are in their jobs for the children.

Nobody could have prepared me for the teacher life, I feel like I’m drowning most days and just have my head above water on the others. The amount of hours I work is unlike any other job I’ve done before and the more seasoned teachers try to reassure me it does get better however, as I look at most of those I work alongside I’m not sure I’d agree. It’s a weird juxtaposition of loving what you do with the children alongside managing and juggling unrealistic expectations and pressure from many angles. I have however, made some of the best friends without whom I absolutely could not do my job. They laugh and cry alongside me, a total blessing.

I love working with the children, I even enjoy planning. The marking not so much and I mostly enjoy my job but something has to give. 12 hour days and working on the weekend is not sustainable. I know this but I’m not sure there’s a way around it?! If the work isn’t done the kids don’t learn. The pressure is too much.

I’m not saying there’s an easy fix, or that I even know what this fix is, I’m just talking from my current experience as an early career teacher I’m not sure how long I can do this for and it makes me really sad because I mostly love my job but it’s killing me mentally and physically.

What’s the answer?

Thank God for grace

To show someone grace and forgiveness is honestly one of the kindest, best things you can do. Not everybody has the ability to do something like that or perhaps you’ve never been extended grace by another before so don’t know how to give it to others. It’s not easy. But i’m so thankful that my heavenly Father forgives me for things on a daily basis that I do not even recognise I have done. He has forgiven me for things that I am about to do and the things I actively ask for forgiveness for. I am blessed and grateful that I am surrounded by friends and family of whom have shown grace, forgiven me when most people would turn away and shun me and still love me.

Let me tell you. I’ve messed up. I mess up. I will mess up again. I find this a hard thing to accept particularly when other people fall into the consequences of my actions. Lately, I’ve messed up big time, and the consequences of my actions are very painful however, they are exactly that…. consequences and now I am having to live through those. I have learned some very valuable lessons this week, and a part of me has shifted. When you are doubting yourself or you cannot find your way, seek  the truth tellers of your life and let them speak truth over you.

Life is not easy. Life is not always fun, most of the time it is. But Life would be considerably less bearable without those who love me, and I’m being constantly reminded of how many of these people there are. Thank you for loving on me even when I do you wrong, even when I do not reflect Jesus, thank you for loving me even when I feel like the most challenging human being on the planet and cannot love myself, thank you for showing me the wrongs of my ways, redirecting my path and reflecting the grace and life of Jesus. My life would look very different without you.

God thank you, for your never ending grace, thank you that it is because of knowing your grace that I can extend it to others and others to me, I certainly could not do life without it.

To be loved.

We all want to be loved. We want to be loved so deeply. To be loved unconditionally is not achievable on Earth; only God can do that. His endless grace, love and comfort are still incomprehensible to me. But it is mine, it’s mine to take at any point for the whole of my life.  How amazing!

On an earthly level, i’m beginning to recognise the difference between superficial surface love and genuine, relational, love. We’re all capable of genuine love and some show it in different ways to others. This week has been a turbulent one for me and those around me have supported me unconditionally, through my tears, the tantrums, the rude behaviours, the smiles, the laughs, the awkwardness, the tiredness, the ugliness, the scruffiness, the laziness, through it all they have supported me. There has been so much grace. This support has been through words of encouragement, phone calls, text messages, cups of coffee, practical advice, hugs, walks, extra lovely pudding, prayer, love and so much more.

Today I was on my way back from a lovely walk; with the kids in the back. I love these kids with all my heart, they’ve become like additional siblings to me and I felt like I needed to tell them that I love them… so I did. This week, I have not been pleasant to live with and they have continued to love on me even though I have been the grumpiest, least fun and most miserable human being. These kids have shown me love that I never knew could fit inside such small people and how wrong I was. They are such a blessing to me and I get to learn so much from them.

To love people even at their worst, on Earth, is as close to unconditional love we will ever experience and I am so so blessed to experience that every day. I have reached a place where the people I live with have become family and they are in a place where even in my low moments they can laugh at me, tease me, play on my quirks. 6 months ago, this is something that I would absolutely not have been on board with, today however, I was able to laugh along and realise just how ridiculous I was being, a blessing in disguise.

God works all of the time. Sometimes this is evident to us and sometimes this is not. Sometimes it becomes clear after a period of time, sometimes minutes, sometimes hours, months or maybe even years later and sometimes maybe we miss it all together but it does not mean that God is not working together for my good. This can be frustrating but it’s God’s love, he knows me better than I know me and by trusting in him I know that I will be okay. This is one of those  moments of unexplainable faith where I blindly put my faith in God even when I can’t see the answer or the path that may have been set before me, even when i’m doubting I have to have faith. He will always provide if I continue to push the doors, have a constant conversation with Him and be brave.

Oh what a blessing to be loved so much.

 

 

Why am I here?

I hate change. I hate new things. I hate new situations. I hate unexpected circumstances. I hate spontaneity. I hate saying no.

This would seem like I hate an awful lot of things. However, I am plunged uncontrollably into many of these on a weekly, or sometimes daily basis; mostly on a small scale. Some might argue that this is good for me, that it broadens my horizons and challenges me. However, lately I seem to be submerged in an awful lot of big changes or situations. This is exhausting.

Last week I officially started a new job. In the same week I also moved house. I was also asked to consider joining my church prayer ministry team. So the former two of these events will be covered in subsequent posts, the most prominent in my mind happened this evening.

I reluctantly gulfed down my cheesy, beans on toast so that I could leave the house and be at my meeting for 7:30 (standard church time). What I really wanted to do after a long day at work was run a bath, curl up with my book and get a nice early night. This was not the reality. Instead, I ended up at this meeting.

I walked in very reluctant and even though I knew a few of the faces there I still did not want to engage. I had several reasons for why I should not be involved in this team and I was sticking to my guns with several eye rolls strategically and intermittently placed throughout. I. WAS. NOT. SUPPOSED. TO. BE. THERE.

Then one guy came to the front of the room and started telling his testimony, particularly to the four new (young) people who had been invited. This included myself and two of my old housemates and one other. I was skeptical and still very nervous, I really didnt think I was supposed to be there. Then….. he opened his mouth.

Sentence after sentence he broke every single barrier I had put up for why I thought I should not be at that meeting. A real smack in the face from God. Another way of saying…. told you so, I know best, just listen to me! God used this incredible guy as a vessel to speak directly to me right there, right then. When I was tuned out, withdrawn and not willing to listen, he used a prominent voice that was right there, physically in my face to talk to me, tell me and show me I was in the right place. Even when I think I know what I want and need he showed up to show me otherwise.

If that was not enough, next I was challenged to pray for another person on the ministry team. Absolutely not, I couldn’t do it….. instead of pushing me too far out of my comfort zone…. God saved me. Both the guy who had previously spoken and I directly headed to one another and I shared with him how he had really impacted me and he was astounded…. he just started praying for me. It did not end here. Another member of the team had a word for me. Now, this word from God may not have meant anything to any other member of the congregation but I knew exactly what it meant, I know that it was a kick up the backside and I know what I’m being prompted to do now. In fact another individual offered me that exact thing today in a different meeting. God is so good, he knows what we need, what’s best for us even when we don’t. Even when we think he has abandoned us, he is there watching over us and loving us in a way I just cannot comprehend.

God shows up in ways we least expect it, when we least expect it and especially when we think we already know the answers ourselves.

I’m on one heck of a journey and I really do not know where i’m headed but, I think that’s exciting. Everything my Father does, he does for good so i’m looking forward to seeing what this next chapter looks like.

There’s no power strong enough to separate me from your love no matter how hard they may try.

An open letter to a friend who once was.

Dear Friend,

You’re not really a part of my life any more but, that’s okay. You taught me how to laugh, you taught me how to rebel against what I thought I should do rather than what I wanted to do, to take risks. You taught me how to be young when so much of my life was asking me to do otherwise. You taught me that binge eating biscuits on occasion was okay and you taught me that I could do so much more than I thought I ever could.

I used to be angry, bitter, even hateful. Not any more, at least not for the most part. I will never understand what you did or why you did it but, I hope you realise now that it was wrong and it hurt, not just because it was me but because you should never had uttered the words you did to any human being let alone someone you were calling your friend. Your words wounded me and those wounds have left scars. Scars that have taken far too long to become even bearable to discuss.

Every now and again I bump into you, a shadow of our past hangs in the air as something we do not really even acknowledge existed. I think about you all the time, what we’d be doing, how we’d be, where we’d be,  all the milestones we missed growing up but, I understand that we have both walked very different paths and that you’re very intelligent and are going to go far in life. We always knew this, you were always five steps ahead of me, now we can see it playing out and nothing has changed. You’re incredible.

There are days when I still miss you, long for the adventures, the tree climbing, the sleepovers, the risk taking and the super random things we seemed to become entangled within. I don’t blame you for making the decisions you did, I just don’t understand why you took the approach you did, but it happened and we’re probably both very different people for it.  I hope you’ve learnt from it and recognise what you did was hurtful. We went through so much together and it all ended so fast. I’ll always be grateful for the memories I have and and I hope that one day they are not tinged with quite so much sadness. I hope that you still remember the fun we had and trials we faced together because they make part of me who I am today.

Most of all, I hope that you are doing well. That you’re still full of the same energy and zest for life that you inspired me with and that you’re working towards achieving every thing you ever dreamed of.

Thank you for everything we shared together,

Lots of love,
Emma

Please, just for one minute.

It wasn’t until last week that I realised just what I was doing. Every week I take time out to volunteer at a family group; the majority of families are refugees and asylum seekers. It provides a safe space for families to bring their young ones, socialise, have a cup of coffee and just take a breath from their usual routine. It’s great.  It’s such a fab way of building communities and making friends. There’s an abundance of toys for the children to play with, and a baby area filled with soft mats and blankets. There’s a craft corner for older children to get involved with play d’oh, colouring and other such activities, and there’s always a floor full of toy cars. It’s great, there really is something for everyone.

This group happens every week, every week is different and brings news and old faces. I get to make new friends, support people and cuddle babies.What’s not to love?

Last week however, I had a sort of ‘eureka’ moment, a moment of realisation about what I was actually doing, what I was involved with, with this particular group. It was coming towards to end of the session and we were tidying up; one mother thrust her child into my arms asking me to hold her newborn for ‘just one minute’ whilst she took a breath and popped to the bathroom. It was in this moment I realised the extensive degree of trust I had built with these incredible individuals and the responsibility that lay in my hands. They had trusted me with their child, their newborn child. For those brief moments this particular lady found some respite, she had a moment to herself and I was able to create that for her just by holding her child. What an opportunity, what a blessing.

It was in that moment, I realised what was happening. I realised what it was all about. I felt a tear or two escape the corner of my eye as I took a moment to step back and just watch everyone around me. Chaos. Beautiful chaos. People from all over the world, more nationalities than I could count on my own hands all speaking one language…. Love.

As I held the tiny baby, all dressed in pink knitwear, in the nook of my arm, I was filled with love and joy as I stood as part of a community. I realised just how much this little family meant to me, how protective I have become over the bonds we have built and the moments we share together. We may be dysfunctional, we may be chaotic, messy and walking difficult paths and it might not always be easy and it might not always be pretty but, we’re doing it together, and we’re doing it all through the eyes of love.

What a blessing.

I’m a long way gone.

It has been an awfully long time since my last blog post back in November, and I feel like an awful lot has changed since then, one of my dear friends has recently taken up blogging and it has inspired me to return to my own.

Life has not gone to plan, at least my plan. I now understand that ultimately I am powerless to control my life. My higher power has it all under control though; this isn’t easy to accept but ultimately it is the truth.

Ever since I was young I have had a plan. A plan for the route my education is going to take, then my career path and the remainder of my life. Although things haven’t always gone to plan for me, they’ve been relatively easy to rectify and re-route; the past few months however, have not been quite so easy. I always wanted to teach but, I’ve never really known what age range or subject until more recently. So, I got reasonably good GCSEs although I was not happy at the time, I got into my chosen sixth form college and left with reasonably good A levels, more than enough to get me into my university of choice. I am currently studying a BA (hons) in Psychology and Media. It’s been a bumpy road but, i’m in my final 12 weeks now.

Surprisingly, I am involved in many other things all of which I am far more interested in and have a far greater passion for, (one day i’ll write my university testimony, it’s quite a story.). October came around and this marked the opening of teacher training applications and after years of waiting, it was now my turn. However, it wasn’t that easy and it was made quite clear from several parties that this is not what I am supposed to be doing right now, it is not the time.

Life has taken such a funny turn, and never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that I would be where I am now, not at all. I am ultimately terrified. I have no clear cut path. That has not been easy to accept or ride with but, I sit comfortably in the knowledge that my heavenly father will not let me drown in amongst all this and that good things are up ahead even if it does not feel like it right now.

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
    I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
    When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
    it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
    The Holy of Israel, your Saviour.”- Isaiah 43:2-3

Just take the step.

This week has seen many changes both good and bad. I will freely admit that this week has taken a vast degree of bravery and courage. But, it’s only Wednesday and i’m out the other side (I think).

Change. It has been said that change is something that I don’t deal with in the best possible manner however, this week has seen more of it than i’d like to see in an entire year and i’m still standing (at least, i’m breathing). They say that life is a journey and not a  destination, well dang whoever ‘they’ are, sure have a point. Tonight I started a new journey and continued walking down another.

This evening upon finding myself in a new setting, it dawned upon me that I perhaps did not understand people as well as I could. Now, i’m always very conscious that each and every one of us is writing our own stories, fighting our own battles and walking very different paths. I have grown to know the difference between sympathy and empathy but, tonight something really reaffirmed this for me. Although I can empathise with another individual  who may appear to be writing a similar chapter to myself, I can never really truly know what’s going on in their mind, how they are honestly thinking or feeling. I cannot and should not tell somebody that ‘I know how you feel’ because we really have no clue at all. For some reason unknown to even me, this had never crossed my mind, if somebody is experiencing a cold and so are you, you automatically assume you know what they’re feeling like when in fact, these symptoms and emotions might display themselves within different people in different ways and this transfers to whatever situation you are in throughout life. I now recognise the impact these few words can have on another individual, I try very hard not to use them. Instead, I share my experiences to offer light into another individual’s life.

There is always a sense of the greater picture, like taking a step back and assessing what’s going on but, it can be quite easy to forget about the bigger perspective and lose sight of where you want to get to. This evening, I was reminded that there is a path for me to follow and there are subtle (and sometimes not so subtle), delicate and reassuring reminders that are sent in my way to remind me that i’m doing the right thing or assure me i’m heading in the right direction. Tonight, I was reminded to trust in the greater picture, and that’s just what I have done.

The message i’m trying to get across this evening is that you can truly know yourself and your journey but, you cannot truly know another human being because you are not in their mind. You should not pry in areas you’re invited but most importantly have faith in the things that do not quite make sense at the time for they will be revealed at a later date and may just surprise you.

Have faith in what you know and take pleasure from sharing this knowledge, for we cannot trust know one another without sharing and the courage to do so.

 

 

 

7 weeks (or something) later….

First thing is first, I haven’t blogged since three days before I started my new adventure at the University of Derby. Lots has happened and not happened in these past weeks and I’ve definitely changed as a person again both physically and mentally and although it has been a huge uphill struggle to get to this point alone I have nonetheless made it this far!

I’m currently sat on my new bed, in my new room, in the new flat with new friends. Surrounded by Cally, Tally, Lolly and Yammo (all new flatmates), delving into my take out dominoes (which I hasten to add deliver until 5am something I never knew i’d need before). It’s 12:07am and instead of attempting to look further for the reading due tomorrow I find myself with the urge to write a new blog, something as I mentioned before haven’t done in a while. My mental state relapsed leaving me in a place very similar to that of before, meaning no motivation to update the world on how awful my world had seemingly become. Tonight however, is much different looking back at these past weeks alone I have come further than I thought ever possible and although i’m only three and a half hours from my home town it’s a transition i’ve found much harder than originally anticipated.

Monday marked my first coursework deadline and with a word cap of 1000 +/- 10% I found myself in true notorious Emma style around 600 words over and using my ultimate QUEENIE SKILLS to eliminate that pesky waffle I’m so famous for back home.

I am actually sitting in a flat different to the one my family originally moved me into, i’ve only moved across the corridor but has proven to be one of the best decisions I ever made! The girls here have made me feel so welcome and even when leaving the flat to visit my dad for the first time, I knew it would be incredibly difficult to return to my new life so they all rallied together to put together this for me.

Welcome back gift from my girls

The road to success is never straight forward and for me this has never been more true, a time when i’ve needed everyone back home, my best friends, my family and even my coworkers to comfort me and although they have been here over the phone, via Skype and even to visit in person. The girls in my flat have rallied together to ensure that I’m okay, on a bad day they’ve been there for cuddles, film nights and even those early drunken nights during the freshers fortnight. It really is a case of having to take baby steps again just like Queenie has taught me from day one!

So, it’s at this point I want to thank you all for your continued support, following and patience as I progress on my new journey to hopefully achieve my goals and make my dreams come true!

If you find yourself in a similar predicament, hang on in there. It will get better,
Take each day at a time.

So little time, so much to do

This past week has seen many changes, positives, happy events and progression of my own personal journey. Despite my original doubts last Thursday saw me get accepted into my firm choice at the University of Derby! I’m absolutely over the moon, getting accepted was something I could only ever dream of; It’s now a reality…. scary stuff!! It’s such a relief to know that after my hard work, determination and considerable uphill battle it has all paid off. There were a couple of celebratory events one with a few college friends and one with a few of my friends and colleagues from work, surprisingly the latter got far messier but, from what I can remember fun was had by all until work the following day!! 

In between the excitement of exam results and celebration my family and I have organised for the Eastern Daily Press to come along to my Grandad’s care home for a publicity and memorial shoot to feature in the next edition alongside a tribute and article about what our family and friends have achieved! After the event tomorrow I will be producing an article with more information about the amazing things people can achieve for others and how we’re attempting to keep my Grandad’s memory alive in more than just our home. 

This coming week will also see my last ever shift at my workplace The Waggon and Horses. This place has provided a hell of a lot more than just a job for me. Within I have gained my own little family, a new nickname, life skills which will benefit me for the rest of my life, learnt a few things the hard way, a few friends who I know will be there for life and it can definitely be said my patience has been tested at times! It’s the first job where I’ve actually been happy, had a giggle and will be sad to leave (only temporarily I may add), they’re keeping the position open for when I return in holidays for that all important beer money!! Similarly, it’s seen me drink more pints of Stella than I care to think about and the work Christmas party well, that’s just a no go area, let’s just memories were made; some good, some bad and leave it at that! I have three shifts remaining in which I have to earn the last pennies I’ll get for a long time meaning I’ll also have to cut down on the pretty shoe purchases!! 😦 All in all however, it’s done well in contributing to the person I am today! Some of ’em I’ll miss and some I’ll be pretty damn happy to see the back of!!   

Following my departure at work I shall be heading down south to my roots to visit my family, something I am VERY excited for as not only have I not seen them since Canada but, Eziquel is back and hopefully staying for good this time!! This trip will also see a mass Ikea shop for university with both my dad, step mum and gran which i’m sure will prove to be amusing if based on any of my father and I’s previous visits all of which have included getting lost, running out of time and walking in circles all whilst finding everything we never knew we needed before! 

Everything is happening so fast that I barely have time to stop and catch my breath, there have been and continue to be blips along the way but, each one I deal with accordingly and attempt to continue my happiness and not let anybody stop me from being happy and looking forward. To have got to this point is extraordinary and all the people who have had an impact on my journey don’t need mentioning because the ones that really matter, you know who you are!! Here’s to the days, weeks, months and years ahead continuing my journey with all those who mean the most to me. 

Keep watching for news on tomorrow’s big event and thank you all again for your support!