Transition

I can’t believe it. I genuinely cannot believe it. I’ve finished my degree, I’ve had all my results back and i’ve done better than I ever believed possible. Completing this degree in itself was enough of a victory for me, I did not think it was going to happen. At so many points over the past three years i’ve thought I couldn’t do it but, I’ve overcome it every single time and I have done it.

Going to university away from home for me was a huge risk. Anybody that knew me before uni knows how much of a home girl I was, I wasn’t adventurous, I didn’t really know who I was, what I wanted or where I belonged. My first semester at uni was hell. I hated the vast majority of it and spent most of my time searching for jobs back at home that would allow me to sustain myself and get out of uni. I’d even contacted other universities closer to home about the possibility of transferring, none of which seemed possible. Now, with hindsight and Jesus in my life, I can recognise why these options were blocked for me, why I couldn’t walk through these doors. I was at uni because I had a goal, I had a plan…. all career oriented of course because what else would you focus on in life? Age 16 I had a 6 year plan that would result in me having a full time teaching position at the end of it. Well, by year two this had been extended to a 7 year plan, this did not go down well. I can tell you that I am now 7 years down the line and nothing has gone to plan, or at least to my plan. It has not been easy laying down hopes and dreams for the meantime however, it was rather evident that this is what I was being asked to do. I sit writing this the day before starting my new job. My new job that is going to see me remaining in Derby for at least another year (This still baffles me). Now, if you had told me that three years ago I would have laughed in your face and said you didn’t know me, part of me still wants me to do this.

My career path isn’t the only thing to have changed. In fact, this experience has enabled me to grow into the person I was always supposed to be. I’m finding my feet in my true identity and learning what it looks like to be loved in a whole new way. Being part of a truthful, honest, encouraging community and engaging in challenging adventures i’d never even imagined. My heart has been opened to people groups I had never knowingly crossed before.  I have learnt that it’s okay to have boundaries, it’s okay to say no and that we are not made to please other people all of the time. There are genuinely far too many thank yous owed to the people in my life now and those who have played a part in getting me to where I am today. Each of our interactions and experiences has had an impact on who I am now.

It’s been a bumpy ride with those mountain top highs and valley lows. I’ve been to rock bottom and back. I’ve learnt more valuable lessons than those my degree taught me. I found some of the most amazing people to walk beside me. Jesus found me.

For once, I’m not sure wholly what this next stage of my life is going to look like, i’m learning how to navigate that. I have a job, and I have a new home and I’m sure that with these footholds brings new challenges, new adventures and new friends. I know that it involves God and that’s the only stronghold I need.

One thing is for certain. I’m ready for this new chapter to begin.

Bring it on.

An open letter to a friend who once was.

Dear Friend,

You’re not really a part of my life any more but, that’s okay. You taught me how to laugh, you taught me how to rebel against what I thought I should do rather than what I wanted to do, to take risks. You taught me how to be young when so much of my life was asking me to do otherwise. You taught me that binge eating biscuits on occasion was okay and you taught me that I could do so much more than I thought I ever could.

I used to be angry, bitter, even hateful. Not any more, at least not for the most part. I will never understand what you did or why you did it but, I hope you realise now that it was wrong and it hurt, not just because it was me but because you should never had uttered the words you did to any human being let alone someone you were calling your friend. Your words wounded me and those wounds have left scars. Scars that have taken far too long to become even bearable to discuss.

Every now and again I bump into you, a shadow of our past hangs in the air as something we do not really even acknowledge existed. I think about you all the time, what we’d be doing, how we’d be, where we’d be,  all the milestones we missed growing up but, I understand that we have both walked very different paths and that you’re very intelligent and are going to go far in life. We always knew this, you were always five steps ahead of me, now we can see it playing out and nothing has changed. You’re incredible.

There are days when I still miss you, long for the adventures, the tree climbing, the sleepovers, the risk taking and the super random things we seemed to become entangled within. I don’t blame you for making the decisions you did, I just don’t understand why you took the approach you did, but it happened and we’re probably both very different people for it.  I hope you’ve learnt from it and recognise what you did was hurtful. We went through so much together and it all ended so fast. I’ll always be grateful for the memories I have and and I hope that one day they are not tinged with quite so much sadness. I hope that you still remember the fun we had and trials we faced together because they make part of me who I am today.

Most of all, I hope that you are doing well. That you’re still full of the same energy and zest for life that you inspired me with and that you’re working towards achieving every thing you ever dreamed of.

Thank you for everything we shared together,

Lots of love,
Emma