The Disney illusion

This time last week I was skipping around Disneyland Paris struggling to make decisions such as, what flavour ice cream to have next or whether I should have marshmallows in my hot chocolate. It was a hard life.

We jumped on the Eurostar on Friday morning and before i’d even had the chance to blink we were pulling in to Disneyland’s very own train station. You could feel the excitement emanating around the carriage. Mum and I sat back, drank a glass of wine and discussed all of the exciting things we’d get to do in the next few days. You could see the tension fall out of my mum’s shoulders, the excitement fill my brothers eyes as he had been torn away from his beloved Xbox and the relief of a few days off work for my stepdad. For me, it meant 4 whole days away from my current reality…. the timing was perfect for my mind. Not so much with the practicalities of the job hunt but everything else.

Once we’d sorted the logistics of dumping our bags at the beautiful hotel, which was like a dream come true I hasten to add, it was situated in the midst of a forest, and even the hotel was artificially made to smell like a forest…. LIVING THE DREAM! We headed to the Disney parks, we walked through the gates and it felt like we were transferred to a different world, well I guess we were…. Disneyland! There was total JOY everywhere.

If a child fell and banged their knee, they may have cried momentarily only to be almost instantly distracted by the face of their favourite character or the prospect of yet another chocolate filled crepe. My brother and I physically skipped from A to B and by the end of the first day my brother was actually asking to skip with me. Do you know how long its been since he has asked to do something like that? It was quite overwhelming! Although we spent hours queuing for rides or attractions, we got to huddle like penguins in the freezing cold, hum to our favourite tunes and talk about our life,  play silly games and enjoy being total children whilst waiting. It was absolutely fantastic. Even the adults were filled with this sense of joy, happiness and excitement . I thought, if only they would bring that with them into their every day life because IT IS POSSIBLE. You can find that level of joy in real life… without the Disney stuff.

It was such a special time for me to spend with my family, my brother in particular as he was like a different child. In fact, it was just that, he was like a child!! He wasn’t trying to keep up appearances on his Xbox front or look cool in front of his friends because they were nowhere to be seen. I ate a lot of cheese, pudding and drank a lot of really good beer which was good and I got to scream out my current frustrations on the rollercoasters in a socially acceptable environment. Also very good, I highly recommend it, if you can get to your local theme park! I returned to life feeling a little calmer, more refreshed and ready to start again.

It wasn’t until I was driving back early Tuesday morning from Norfolk to Derby to get to work that I received a message simply asking ‘How’s the job hunt going?’ and I realised that I was back in reality…. but then I reminded myself that I choose my reality, and if I can find joy in a make believe land why can’t I choose to find that in my own life? It might not be as easy but it’s a choice and I’m choosing to, I might get it wrong and I might mess up but i’ve got nothing to loose so…

Here goes.

 

Honestly?

I find it hard to be vulnerable with people. I’ve been hurt one too many times. This is one of those times when my mind is overflowing, life is funny and i’m turning back to my trusty blog.

Let me set the scene….

I’m working in a role that works with refugees and asylum seekers, it’s great. It’s a maternity post. Falling in to this post was without doubt an absolute blessing, it’s been such an experience and i’ve learnt so much both about refugees and asylum seekers and about myself. However, now I find myself in a bit of a situation where my contract is coming to an end, my predecessor is coming back. I’ve been applying for jobs in the same sector but coming up with nothing; reaching interview stages and then never getting the position or often not getting the interview at all. For me, this raises a whole bunch of issues relating to rejection, failure, inadequacy, direction etc. So here I am 45 days before my contract ends with an definite sense of fear. I know for me, it’s easy to spiral things out of control. No job, no rent, no home, no Derby. This is disaster stations.

People keep telling me God’s in all of this and he has a plan for me. I do not doubt this, but sometimes I find this hard to grasp on to in the midst of the chaos. I hate change, I am aware of this, that doesn’t make experiencing it any easier. What am I being called to? I don’t know. Where does God want me? I don’t know. This makes things more difficult. From the outset it looks as though everyone else knows what they’re doing, where they’re going or they know how to find out what it is that they’re going to do. This doesn’t seem clear to me, how do you discern God’s voice when you’re in the middle of what seems like a storm? I know that ultimately God’s will, will be done but how I fit into that right now is not clear and i’m starting to panic. I’m struggling.