So the snow was about a day late coming to Derby, at first I was sad about this. My views are now very different. The snow began to fall oblivious to us all as we sat in an evening meeting room with no windows. We emerged at just gone 9pm on Wednesday evening to see at least 2 inches of freshly and continuing to fall powdery snow! I was instantly filled with that sense of child like joy. I had my wellies in the boot, so I put those on and prayed that God would help me to get home safely.
I’d stayed at a friend’s house and spent the following morning helping her to get ready for a trip away, we ventured into town in the midst of a blizzard.All my usual volunteering commitments were cancelled due to the weather, which freed up the whole day as I wasn’t working. I am prone to anxiety and depression and typically as soon as my routine changes or I have a day without structured plans, I begin to panic, the anxiety creeps up and I often find myself paralysed. I was with my friend in the morning so, that was all good and once we had returned and I had sent her on her way, I trekked up the road to visit another friend and their kids, we played lego, read stories and ate beans on toast, it was so lovely and such a blessing. Once i’d wandered back to my friends house, I was exhausted, whether it was the weather, my mind or the change of routine I needed a nap and that’s just what I did.
I woke disorientated and totally unaware of where I was. I really needed to get home, the snow continued to fall and I hadn’t been home for 24 hours. I returned home and was welcomed with a very good friend visiting for tea and a big homemade vegetable curry. We played games, sat round the fire, watched pants tv, drank G&Ts and ate fancy chocolates. It was actually a total blessing in the midst of what felt like an uncontrollable day.
Another day arrived, more snow had fallen and I was told we were having another snow day. Now, to most this is an exciting prospect, a day off of usual responsibilities, no need to go in to work. Not me. For me it instills fear and anxiety. A whole day of no plans. An absolute nightmare, too much time to think, no way out and no routine. The kids had a snow day too, so I was asked to look after the kids whilst the others ventured in to work…. a blessing in disguise for all I believe. We decided to layer up and go sledging, something I had never done before, (what with norfolk being as flat as a pancake) and the kids were determined to break me in gently, so they started me off on a slope that may as well have been a pancake, building me up to the steep hills of our local park until we were bravely standing up on the board, until I stacked it and landed flat on my face of course (must remember i’m not an agile kid anymore).
We got back and there was work to be done, the kids had revision and I had to work my way through today’s emails. We soon put a film on and cosied in front of the fire. Soon after, everyone came home and I was left with this sense of emptiness and panic that is so common when I find myself with free time. I didn’t know what to do. That feeling in my tummy set in and the impending sense of nothingness begins to overtake. I know it’s an odd concept that someone can feel anxious about having time to do whatever they like but, that’s my reality and in reality it means that I have an abundance of time to think about what’s really going on in my life, not the best combination; particularly as I was unable to get anywhere due to the weather. Usually at times like this, i’d head to my favourite spot for a walk and a coffee but unfortunately the weather is preventing this..
Tomorrow is Saturday, for me this means another two days off of work, another two days of anxiety, potentially another two days of being stuck in the house because of adverse weather conditions. It may look beautiful, it may feel like a dream come true to have a few days off of work or school and there may once have been a time where I too would have been super excited about this prospect but, right here, right now, it’s terrifying. Snow days for those who hate having a lot of time on their hands, a change of routine and being unable to escape to safe places is a real challenge.
It’s not a disaster no. It’s also not a minor inconvenience either. This is a reality for many people and certainly me. It can very often feel as though there is no way out during times like these, I feel trapped, limited to the cage of my own mind and there is only so much distracting television you can watch before your own mind turns on you. I really give it to people who are very often housebound for a plethora of reasons or unable to escape the dangers of their own mind with any distraction technique.
Please go away snow, I’d like my normality back. But, I must remember, that it’s going to be okay.