A social story

It’s been sometime since my last foray into blogging but recent events and a good friend inspired me to head back. So much has changed and we find ourselves in some of the oddest of times however, I feel more grateful than ever to be surrounded by the most supportive of friends and family.

Now more than ever I can relate to my students who struggle with change and need a ‘social story’ however, the real world does not cater for those adults amongst us who find ourselves in similar situations. It is our job to provide that ‘social story’ to them. But, I too need someone to break it down, give me a weeks notice and explain the ins and outs before something major changes and implement it slowly. The difference is, the world doesn’t give you a week’s notice before major changes impact your day to day life and there is no transitional period, just the odd feeling of the world moving around you whilst you try to play catch up. Never before have I been able to relate so closely to the young people I work with and truly understand how important the build up to big changes and events is to ensure things run smoothly and minimise the anxiety they can cause.

From tomorrow I will no longer be stood in front of a class of children, ready to support and encourage where needed. I don’t really know what I will do. We, as a team will be supporting the children of key workers and the children who use the school as a safe haven. We are being asked to risk our health to support the children that need us most. We’re being asked to step up to help the young ones in our community, to stay strong for them. I know that tomorrow I will turn up for work. Work will not be work as I know it. I could be making sandwiches to deliver to the community, photocopying, delivering more learning packs, working 1:1 with children or pretty much anything the school community needs. We just don’t know.

These are uncertain times and my anxiety is through the roof but, tomorrow I will go to work and do what I can to make school a fun, safe place to be for some of the youngest in our society.  We have no idea how many young people will join us, but, the doors will be open and we will welcome them.

At war with yourself

What happens when you find yourself at war with the one person you can’t escape? When it’s your own mind who’s fighting you. This is not uncommon, but it’s also not common to talk about it. You can’t run away, you can’t switch it off, and you most certainly can’t push F5 as much as you might want to.

I’ve recently started a few new ventures, a new job, a new home, a new therapy and quite frankly it’s all terrifying. I don’t have myself to thank for any of these decisions, in fact it’s all down to my fan club and cheerleaders, for whom without I’m not sure I could function. My mental health is all over the place, even more so than usual but that’s okay. Lots of things are changing and there’s a lot of instability on the ground. However, when your mind is constantly telling you you’re incapable of doing something, or other people are judging you or not to go for an opportunity that crosses your path or accept help from someone who has offered, this can hold you back. It certainly has me. I often wonder how many different opportunities and situations I would have experienced if I hadn’t let some form of anxiety, fear or questioning hold me back. I’m so incapable of making a decision because of this constant war taking place in my head of all of the if onlys or what ifs. it’s impossible.

I am beyond blessed to have people in my life; friends and family who are my greatest cheerleaders. A good friend said to me last week ‘You’ve got this, and I’ve got your back when you don’t’ and honestly I was so overwhelmed with their kindness, I didn’t really know what to do because when i’m fighting myself, they were watching and waiting to help me when I couldn’t do it alone. My cheer team help me make decisions when i’m not in a place to do it for myself.

What baffles me however, is how your own mind can want to do something so badly but be held back by the very same mind as if one half is fighting the other? This is true for many people and has certainly been the case for me in many situations. However, it also remains true for emotions themselves, when in the midst of a low mood and trying to escape I find myself quite literally fighting my own mind when one half clearly wants to feel one way way and the other half certainly does not. Is this just life? Maybe? Does it feel intense? Absolutely, so thank goodness for new moments, new days and fresh starts.

Anyway, i’ve made some big life decisions lately with tremendous help from my cheer team of course and now I find myself sitting in those decisions reflecting. I’m doing them, living those decisions out, big changes but i’m flipping doing it. These decisions haven’t come without challenges, tears or tantrums by any stretch of the imagination, but at the end of the day only I have to live my reality and I’m doing it one day at at time. Trying to make my mind one, at ease with my decision making because after all they’re mine to make or break. I’m in an adjustment phase, it’s taking time and i’m learning to be braver, bolder and stronger with each step and experience I have. Learning to accept where I’m at, not worry about whether i’m behind or in front of where I ‘should’ be or where others think I should be. It’s okay to just be where you are, who you are and what you are. If that’s okay with you then that’s okay. You do you.

Keep going. Let your cheer team help you out when you’re fighting yourself. We can’t always see straight but they can help us. Most importantly, don’t let those who aren’t in our support circle influence our decisions.

Hang on in there, you’ve got this.

There’s snow way out.

So the snow was about a day late coming to Derby, at first I was sad about this. My views are now very different. The snow began to fall oblivious to us all as we sat in an evening meeting room with no windows. We emerged at just gone 9pm on Wednesday evening to see at least 2 inches of freshly and continuing to fall powdery snow! I was instantly filled with that sense of child like joy. I had my wellies in the boot, so I put those on and prayed that God would help me to get home safely.

I’d stayed at a friend’s house and spent the following morning helping her to get ready for a trip away, we ventured into town in the midst of a blizzard.All my usual volunteering commitments were cancelled due to the weather, which freed up the whole day as I wasn’t working. I am prone to anxiety and depression and typically as soon as my routine changes or I have a day without structured plans, I begin to panic, the anxiety creeps up and I often find myself paralysed. I was with my friend in the morning so, that was all good and once we had returned and I had sent her on her way, I trekked up the road to visit another friend and their kids, we played lego, read stories and ate beans on toast, it was so lovely and such a blessing. Once i’d wandered back to my friends house, I was exhausted, whether it was the weather, my mind or the change of routine I needed a nap and that’s just what I did.

I woke disorientated and totally unaware of where I was. I really needed to get home, the snow continued to fall and I hadn’t been home for 24 hours. I returned home and was welcomed with a very good friend visiting for tea and a big homemade vegetable curry. We played games, sat round the fire, watched pants tv, drank G&Ts and ate fancy chocolates. It was actually a total blessing in the midst of what felt like an uncontrollable day.

Another day arrived, more snow had fallen and I was told we were having another snow day. Now, to most this is an exciting prospect, a day off of usual responsibilities, no need to go in to work. Not me. For me it instills fear and anxiety. A whole day of no plans. An absolute nightmare, too much time to think, no way out and no routine. The kids had a snow day too, so I was asked to look after the kids whilst the others ventured in to work…. a blessing in disguise for all I believe. We decided to layer up and go sledging, something I had never done before, (what with norfolk being as flat as a pancake) and the kids were determined to break me in gently, so they started me off on a slope that may as well have been a pancake, building me up to the steep hills of our local park until we were bravely standing up on the board, until I stacked it and landed flat on my face of course (must remember i’m not an agile kid anymore).

We got back and there was work to be done, the kids had revision and I had to work my way through today’s emails. We soon put a film on and cosied in front of the fire. Soon after, everyone came home and I was left with this sense of emptiness and panic that is so common when I find myself with free time. I didn’t know what to do. That feeling in my tummy set in and the impending sense of nothingness begins to overtake. I know it’s an odd concept that someone can feel anxious about having time to do whatever they like but, that’s my reality and in reality it means that I have an abundance of time to think about what’s really going on in my life, not the best combination; particularly as I was unable to get anywhere due to the weather. Usually at times like this, i’d head to my favourite spot for a walk and a coffee but unfortunately the weather is preventing this..

Tomorrow is Saturday, for me this means another two days off of work, another two days of anxiety, potentially another two days of being stuck in the house because of adverse weather conditions. It may look beautiful, it may feel like a dream come true to have a few days off of work or school and there may once have been a time where I too would have been super excited about this prospect but, right here, right now, it’s terrifying. Snow days for those who hate having a lot of time on their hands, a change of routine and being unable to escape to safe places is a real challenge.

It’s not a disaster no. It’s also not a minor inconvenience either. This is a reality for many people and certainly me. It can very often feel as though there is no way out during times like these, I feel trapped, limited to the cage of my own mind and there is only so much distracting television you can watch before your own mind turns on you. I really give it to people who are very often housebound for a plethora of reasons or unable to escape the dangers of their own mind with any distraction technique.

Please go away snow, I’d like my normality back. But, I must remember, that it’s going to be okay.

It’s freshers.

This weekend marks welcome weekend, the infamous weekend where all over the country hundreds and thousands of freshers arrive at their new university to settle in and engage in a multitude of fun filled welcome events. This can bring on a multitude of emotions; excitement, fear, adventure, sadness to name just a few.  But what about the feelings this stirs within those who have recently graduated? Joy? Longing? Sadness? Excitement?

Nobody warns you of the emotions and experiences that will arise post graduation. The hitting of milestones outside of student life is one of the most surreal experiences. I’m very much still in the mindset that any day now, i’m going to waltz back into uni, clutching new stationary, the optimism of a new academic year, have the start of year induction and begin the formulating of essays. This is not the case. I currently have a job where I am based on university campus in a nearby building so this week I have watched the gradual stream of new students work their way up the hill to the campus and begin to orientate themselves. Some have even wandered into my building as we offer an array of multi-faith services and training to students, pretty exciting to be welcoming them. However, the emotions this has stirred up in me is quite the opposite. I miss being a student and i’ve only not been one for the space of a summer holiday so my brain hasn’t quite come to fully realise that i’m in a different stage of life yet.

I’m excited for the freshers to start a new journey, a journey that can and will change their life. My university journey cannot be summarised easily, but I do not regret embarking on it at all. Although my time as a student coming to an end was inevitable there is no preparation that can be done to prepare you for the changes you have to make or the milestones you will come to face. Freshers is one of the first ones. I long to have that sense of awe and slight fear of the challenges and rewards that lie ahead, manoeuvring a new place and meeting new people under the security blanket of the ‘student’ title.

Lots of people took me in, nurtured me, taught me, cared for me and guided me under the title of ‘student’ however, now there seems to be the expectation to have it all together, to know what i’m doing with myself, have my friendships established and my feet rooted in my faith, to be able to look after myself and to stand on my own two feet. An expectation that now I don’t have looming deadlines, dissertations to write or lectures to attend that my ability to stand alone and manoeuvre life alone becomes more manageable, that I don’t have anything to stand in my way, obstacles to navigate or that I transfer to adult life seamlessly and without turmoil. This hasn’t been the case but it has been the expectation.

Financially the general public assume that financial difficulty is synonymous with student however, the reality amongst myself and many of my fellow graduates is that we’re struggling more now we’ve graduated than at any point of the student journey. Yet, the support is reduced and the expectations are raised. There’s no pot of student money to fall back on if things get really tight, there’s no student finance helpline to call in extreme situations if we can’t pay our rent or our bills and not really as much leeway to head home for the weekend or during the holidays so we don’t have to pay for our food. The reality is now very different. We’re all going about it in different ways and all trying to simultaneously save the world and make ends meet. Just  not always as viable as it has been as a student.

I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy my life in my new role or my new home. However, it’s different and it is safe to say there’s not enough support for students to practically prepare them for returning to places that have not changed whilst they have changed immensely during their time at university. Similarly, there’s not enough support to prepare students for the realities that you face post graduation such as the emotional turmoil or changes in the level and types of support.

University is like a world of its own. Nobody can prepare you for it. Nobody can prepare you to come out of it. Each persons experience is different however, what I have realised is that there isn’t enough talk about the emotions graduates are likely to endure at the end of their journey and how to deal with those.

Have you recently graduated? Did you graduate a while ago? What were your experiences of transition?

 

 

Transition

I can’t believe it. I genuinely cannot believe it. I’ve finished my degree, I’ve had all my results back and i’ve done better than I ever believed possible. Completing this degree in itself was enough of a victory for me, I did not think it was going to happen. At so many points over the past three years i’ve thought I couldn’t do it but, I’ve overcome it every single time and I have done it.

Going to university away from home for me was a huge risk. Anybody that knew me before uni knows how much of a home girl I was, I wasn’t adventurous, I didn’t really know who I was, what I wanted or where I belonged. My first semester at uni was hell. I hated the vast majority of it and spent most of my time searching for jobs back at home that would allow me to sustain myself and get out of uni. I’d even contacted other universities closer to home about the possibility of transferring, none of which seemed possible. Now, with hindsight and Jesus in my life, I can recognise why these options were blocked for me, why I couldn’t walk through these doors. I was at uni because I had a goal, I had a plan…. all career oriented of course because what else would you focus on in life? Age 16 I had a 6 year plan that would result in me having a full time teaching position at the end of it. Well, by year two this had been extended to a 7 year plan, this did not go down well. I can tell you that I am now 7 years down the line and nothing has gone to plan, or at least to my plan. It has not been easy laying down hopes and dreams for the meantime however, it was rather evident that this is what I was being asked to do. I sit writing this the day before starting my new job. My new job that is going to see me remaining in Derby for at least another year (This still baffles me). Now, if you had told me that three years ago I would have laughed in your face and said you didn’t know me, part of me still wants me to do this.

My career path isn’t the only thing to have changed. In fact, this experience has enabled me to grow into the person I was always supposed to be. I’m finding my feet in my true identity and learning what it looks like to be loved in a whole new way. Being part of a truthful, honest, encouraging community and engaging in challenging adventures i’d never even imagined. My heart has been opened to people groups I had never knowingly crossed before.  I have learnt that it’s okay to have boundaries, it’s okay to say no and that we are not made to please other people all of the time. There are genuinely far too many thank yous owed to the people in my life now and those who have played a part in getting me to where I am today. Each of our interactions and experiences has had an impact on who I am now.

It’s been a bumpy ride with those mountain top highs and valley lows. I’ve been to rock bottom and back. I’ve learnt more valuable lessons than those my degree taught me. I found some of the most amazing people to walk beside me. Jesus found me.

For once, I’m not sure wholly what this next stage of my life is going to look like, i’m learning how to navigate that. I have a job, and I have a new home and I’m sure that with these footholds brings new challenges, new adventures and new friends. I know that it involves God and that’s the only stronghold I need.

One thing is for certain. I’m ready for this new chapter to begin.

Bring it on.

Breathe life.

Sometimes, some of the most important lessons to be learnt are the hardest and often take the longest. Even this alone can take a long time to realise.

Filling your life with joy and life bringers is so incredibly important but, how many of us actually do that? How many of us remain in unhealthy, life destroying relationships that kill our joy just because it is the easy option, or we’re trying to please other people? It’s tough when it takes so long to realise you have surrounded yourself with the wrong people but once you realise you have a series of choices you can make, These choices can either provide an escape route from these relationships or leave you very much in the midst of them. At this point however, the decision is down to you. It’s your responsibility.

My life looks so much better when I actively choose to spend my time with people who fill me with joy, life, faith, reality and truth. Things begin to look brighter, more hopeful and I laugh more. I am aware of my worth and all that I can bring to a friendship. Who I am is valued rather than who I need to try and be and that in itself is such a huge relief. Spending time with people who invest in you, lift you up and fill you with joy is how life is supposed to be. Individuals who pull you back into place when you slip into negative behaviours and ways of life.

When I think about my life and the people who fill me with life and goodness, it’s when I am with them that I am my happiest, when I feel the most hopeful and feel like I can take over the universe. I am so grateful to these people for showing me what life can look like if I surround myself with the right individuals. How my life can be transformed just in a few hours of being with them.

So, I urge you all to evaluate your relationships, surround yourself with the life breathers. Focus on you, fill your life with love and positive relationships because it sure is too short to be unhappy and drained of all that is good. YOUR IDENTITY IS MORE THAN WHAT SOMEBODY ELSE THINKS. Nobody has time for negative nellies, be the person you would want to meet.

Be a life bringer.

Pick up a good book. A what?

In today’s news I heard about the dramatic drop in the averages of young girls reading ages. A new report has suggested that the reading age of a vast proportion of ten year olds is considerably lower than average for their age. There is increasing concern that this is due to a growing frequency of technology in households. More tv, social networking, easier access and more gaming consoles in children’s bedrooms. This is happening in children younger than ever. It is now common to see even babies being put in front of IPads, smart phones and consoles.

Now, i’m not particularly old (although my baby brother and nephew may disagree) but, when I was younger, I didn’t have a phone or console….. I read. I was read to until I was able to read to myself. I was encouraged to read at every available opportunity both in and out of school. Although schools are now beginning to encourage reading and comprehension again through schemes such as ‘accelerated reader’, this follows a dramatic slump in the reading community within schools.

To compare to this, I also read about ‘Open Doors’, a Christian charity that works to provide for persecuted Christians worldwide. I heard about the way they had been providing children’s Bibles all over the globe. They told of how this enables the Children to read to their parents and share the Bible with them, as most of the older generation in these isolated locations are unable to read, it tends to be the children who have the ability to read and therefor sharing the love of the Bible to those who might not otherwise be able to access materials of faith.

I sat and pondered after hearing both of these stories today. It really puts things in to perspective. There are children in other parts of the world who would do anything to have even so much as a book to read, whereas children in our own country take literature (one of life greatest things) for granted. I personally think this perspective needs to change, not only for the benefit of the children but the benefit of their futures. By no means am I suggesting that we ban modern technology or hole children up in a secret hideaway where they are forced to read for 22 hours a day (although, I think i’d love that) but maybe we should be reintroducing a greater degree of reading into our children’s lives? If this is through e-readers or books on consoles then great but, theres a whole wealth of information out there that these children are missing out on because they aren’t picking up a book. Books are such a good form of escapism and a source of growth for their imagination.

Reading was and continues to be such a huge part of my life that it’s almost incomprehensible to me that children not only don’t pick up a book for fun but also do not want to? What’s going on?

Come on…. let’s change this. Let’s get our kids reading again.

 

30 Days Wild.

I signed up to a National Wildlife Trust (NWT) event in April, half heartedly and more out of interest than anything else; 30 days wild it was called and it kind of does what it says on the tin. The scheme was all about encouraging people to get out in nature and do something a little more wild than they would usually do, every day for 30 days throughout the month of June. As someone who already thoroughly enjoys ambling around patches of woodland and learning about the world I live in, this became increasingly more appealing. It also drew upon as a solution for another of my concerns….  the younger generations and their ever increasing intimate relationships with consoles and the four walls of their bedroom. At this point I had no reason not to dive in head first and see what would come of such an opportunity.

The NWT encouraged partakers through activity packs with adventure suggestions, a wall planner to track your acts of wildness and several other information pamphlets and badges, stickers etc. These ideas stemmed from letting a patch of your garden ‘go’ for  a month and tracking the wildlife and species in it at different stages. Other suggestions included taking to the big outdoors to do day to day activities such as read a book right through to going on an urban lichen hunt or exploring a NWT reserve and hunting down some new species. As long as it was wild, you could do it, there was also an idea generator app you could use. It sounded really difficult to begin with, 30 whole days of having to put time aside to do something different, the end result was however, very different.

There appeared to be many ways to go about documenting your adventures; some chose to mark it on the dedicated planner, others drew images for each of the days and some collected a little trinket from each day. I however, documented mine through at least one image for every day (apart from one bat watching). Some of the stuff I’ve seen is absolutely incredible!! Not only has this challenge forced me to get outside more when I don’t feel like it, it has made me look at things from another perspective, it has had effects on me I’m not sure were ever possible. It has become so much more than just a challenge, it became a way of life. Okay, some days it became nigh on impossible to squeeze and adventure in-between the rain, my work shift pattern and my fellow friends’ but we managed for the most part and where we did not we went it alone.

I’ve learnt so much along the way and i’ve definitely learnt to look at things from a different angle, appreciate things I would usually walk past. I’ve learnt to look beneath what the eye instantly sees, pick things up, walk around and always take a closer look. At first I thought there were right things and wrong things to be interested in within nature, i’m wrong. If you think it’s cool, go explore it, find out what it is, what it does, where else you can find it, photograph it but, most importantly if you think it’s worth noting. Do it. Don’t wait for someone else or a book to validate it, it’s okay to like something just because it looks beautiful. Don’t be afraid to ask questions about what something is or if you don’t know about a particular species, this is how I learn every time I go out.

30 Days Wild is not going to stop here, I’m determined for this to become a way of life instead of merely just a challenge for 30 of 365 days; I would love for it to become a way of life, it has made me look at things differently. This may not mean heading out to a reserve every day but looking at the moss on the shed roof with a little more light or admiring the lichen as you walk past an urban spot you wouldn’t have usually stopped by.

It’s not too late to start your own adventures, don’t wait go and get wild.

365 days wild anyone?

A lesson well learnt.

We’re taught that being laughed at is a negative thing, that it’s associated with negative ridicule or  being the subject of a cruel joke; this is in fact not always the case.

Today I think it really sunk in just how much we all need to be laughed at sometimes obviously by those who love us and know us (sometimes better than we know ourselves). Now, I’ve been laughed at a lot in the past however, until today I hadn’t really realised just how much I needed it.

We can all be guilty of getting so wrapped up in our every day lives, mulling things over and over trying to work things out in our own head, words whipping faster than debris in a tornado. The situation grows and grows and before you know it you’re looking at a situation entirely different to the one you were contemplating in the first place. It’s very easy for us humans to whip up all sorts of scenarios that were not really there to begin with.

Today I found myself in a very ‘Emmaish’ mood (something others veritably discourage), and I’d been going over a couple of recent events and upon sharing my experiences a certain friend merely sat and laughed at me. At first, I think I was a little offended. Events that appeared to be such a big deal for me were diminished in mere seconds, with the sound of laughter whipping around. This laughter made me realise that perhaps these issues weren’t as grave as I thought they were. My friend had made light of them, put them into perspective. They’d always said ‘Em, sometimes you just need laughing at’ and I do not really think I had understood what they had meant until today.

I don’t always understand why i’m being laughed at because in many cases, what i’m rehashing seems more than reasonable and it’s for this exact reason i’m being laughed at. As, in most cases this is apparently not the case and I need to look at things from a different angle.

It’s so easy to take life so seriously, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have friends who can so easily just laugh at me, are willing to laugh at me and know that I need to be laughed at. I don’t always take being laughed at very well but, when I remember why they’re doing it I know they’re doing it for the good of me too.

If you don’t have a friend who’ll laugh at you to reaffirm your feet on the ground, make sure you take a step back and laugh at yourself every now and again. Life doesn’t always have to be so serious.

 

 

Between a rock and a hard place.

Living one life can be challenging enough at times, living two takes things to a different level. Being pulled between the two even harder. That’s just how things have gone this week. Without over inflating my ego, it appears this week many people have wanted me to aid them for a whole spectrum of reasons. Now, i’ll be the first to jump and run to someone in need but, it’s Friday and i’ve hit that part of the term where i’m absolutely exhausted, wading through treacle and could quite happily curl up and be asleep by 6pm (if it wasn’t for the ever extending list of things to do) but that’s not going to happen any time in the foreseeable future.

It’s easy to find yourself in a bit of a rut but, I am more than aware that i’m not the only individual on the planet who is busy or tired and I know my life is a lifetime away from the struggles some people endure however, for a while it would be nice to just exist. I’d like to just ‘be’ for a while, with no noise, no hassle and no dashing.

I know I try to evade the fact that according to society I am a ‘growed up’ however, I suppose by physical (not mental) age I am. This is something which has brought me many new adventures and chapters to delve into however, also something that particular figures in my life have had trouble adapting to. Expecting one to drop everything and run for a dinner can become rather tedious. Another instance saw me drop everything and run to attend a family event wherein the only ‘family’ I recognised were the ones I arrived with. I’m trying ever so hard to build my own life, beliefs, morals and behaviours however, when you’re tossed around more than a rag doll on a waltzer it’s difficult to lay any concrete foundations especially when you know how close you are to properly standing on your own two feet. With so much to do and so little time to do it in, ‘toing and froing’ isn’t ideal. But, nonetheless it will continue to happen and i’ll continue to do it and all will be well with the world.

Despite all of this, I will be grateful for the friends and family that surround me and cherish what I have in life because life is good and it is Friday after all!

Did someone say wine?