At war with yourself

What happens when you find yourself at war with the one person you can’t escape? When it’s your own mind who’s fighting you. This is not uncommon, but it’s also not common to talk about it. You can’t run away, you can’t switch it off, and you most certainly can’t push F5 as much as you might want to.

I’ve recently started a few new ventures, a new job, a new home, a new therapy and quite frankly it’s all terrifying. I don’t have myself to thank for any of these decisions, in fact it’s all down to my fan club and cheerleaders, for whom without I’m not sure I could function. My mental health is all over the place, even more so than usual but that’s okay. Lots of things are changing and there’s a lot of instability on the ground. However, when your mind is constantly telling you you’re incapable of doing something, or other people are judging you or not to go for an opportunity that crosses your path or accept help from someone who has offered, this can hold you back. It certainly has me. I often wonder how many different opportunities and situations I would have experienced if I hadn’t let some form of anxiety, fear or questioning hold me back. I’m so incapable of making a decision because of this constant war taking place in my head of all of the if onlys or what ifs. it’s impossible.

I am beyond blessed to have people in my life; friends and family who are my greatest cheerleaders. A good friend said to me last week ‘You’ve got this, and I’ve got your back when you don’t’ and honestly I was so overwhelmed with their kindness, I didn’t really know what to do because when i’m fighting myself, they were watching and waiting to help me when I couldn’t do it alone. My cheer team help me make decisions when i’m not in a place to do it for myself.

What baffles me however, is how your own mind can want to do something so badly but be held back by the very same mind as if one half is fighting the other? This is true for many people and has certainly been the case for me in many situations. However, it also remains true for emotions themselves, when in the midst of a low mood and trying to escape I find myself quite literally fighting my own mind when one half clearly wants to feel one way way and the other half certainly does not. Is this just life? Maybe? Does it feel intense? Absolutely, so thank goodness for new moments, new days and fresh starts.

Anyway, i’ve made some big life decisions lately with tremendous help from my cheer team of course and now I find myself sitting in those decisions reflecting. I’m doing them, living those decisions out, big changes but i’m flipping doing it. These decisions haven’t come without challenges, tears or tantrums by any stretch of the imagination, but at the end of the day only I have to live my reality and I’m doing it one day at at time. Trying to make my mind one, at ease with my decision making because after all they’re mine to make or break. I’m in an adjustment phase, it’s taking time and i’m learning to be braver, bolder and stronger with each step and experience I have. Learning to accept where I’m at, not worry about whether i’m behind or in front of where I ‘should’ be or where others think I should be. It’s okay to just be where you are, who you are and what you are. If that’s okay with you then that’s okay. You do you.

Keep going. Let your cheer team help you out when you’re fighting yourself. We can’t always see straight but they can help us. Most importantly, don’t let those who aren’t in our support circle influence our decisions.

Hang on in there, you’ve got this.

3.5 days still.

At the end of last week, I fell ill with some weird virus. It completely knocked me off my feet. It woke me violently in the early hours of Saturday morning with pangs of pain, a high temperature and lethargy in amongst other symptoms. I brushed it off, took some tablets and tried to go back to sleep; after all you always feel better in the morning right?

This was not the case. I did not feel better and this went on for another three days. If you know me well, you’ll know that i’m not very good at all at being poorly, I need to be up, about and busy and this just was not possible. So, I had to stay in bed and I slept for pretty much two days straight, something unheard of for me.

Whilst being poorly and being stuck in bed, I had a lot of time to think about things and I assure you this was not out of choice. This led me to several realisations, they’re not life changing, breakthrough or award worthy but just little reminders that I needed at the time, and perhaps you might too.

1.) Nobody is indispensable:- Whilst ill, I could not go about my daily routine; did this mean the world stopped turning? Did this mean that everybody else’s lives came to a standstill? Was my position at work subject to me being there or could they get somebody else to do it? Could I really expect to continue living life at 5,000mph and expect my body to be able to keep up forever? The answer to these question was obvious, of course not, so the idea is to look after yourself, take things at a sensible pace of life and enjoy it along the way.

2.) People care more than you think:- It amazed me how many people actually dropped me a text message or called me to check in and see if I was okay. I missed a big community event over the weekend, which I was very sad about however, so many of the people there had made the effort to check that I was okay, or since being back on my feet have asked me where i’ve been because they’ve missed me. That really struck a chord with me. Similarly, whilst being stuck in bed the love and compassion people showed in actually physically caring for me, bringing me fresh drinks, tablets, propping my pillows, making the effort to listen to my whinging, wipe my tears and reminding me that ‘this too shall pass’ in the midst of my frustration. I thank each of you for showing me compassion when I was least expecting it.

3.) Your mind and body are linked more than you think:- If we don’t look after our minds, our body is soon going to pay the price. If we don’t look after our body, our minds soon pay the price. It’s easy to forget this when we’re in the middle of the hustle and bustle of every day life but it’s so important in keeping healthy. Mind and body matters! Similarly, if we’ve had a hard week emotionally, we need to take action in slowing down physically ensuring we’re taking time to process and regain our equilibrium. Similarly, if it’s been a physically busy, heavy week we need to ensure our mind is balanced, slowed down and cared for too.

4.) Appreciate your health and wellbeing:- We take our health for granted. When we’re well we don’t stop to think, ‘Yes, i’m super blessed to be well today’ even if that means not having a cold or a sniffy nose. We definitely should and is something I have started doing since being back on my feet. Just a simple appreciation that I got out of bed, I am feeling well, I can go to work today and I can do all that I need to do. It put things into perspective, how much more often we are well than we are not.

5.) Patience is tough:- When your health is out of your control and you’re already doing the self care stuff recommended for this type of illness it’s hard to be patient. Turns out i’m not patient but I need to be and we need to listen to our body when it’s telling us it’s not well. This was a very steep learning curve for me as I tried to struggle into work whilst still feeling slightly under the weather to only be sent home a few hours later.

This isn’t all I learnt whilst being under the weather however, it is a small insight into what I came to realise. Now as i’m feeling much better, i’m trying to go into each day being grateful for many things and acknowledging all that I have learnt and been blessed with.

Remember what matters in life, who matters in life and don’t forget to check in with reality.

 

What about when every day is blue?

Blue Monday is commonly identified as the third Monday in January. It gained this name from Sky Travel who claim to have worked it out using some form of fancy equation. Nothing other than commercial publicising if you ask me! But, none the less there comes greater implications which stem from this day. Blue monday is supposed to be one of the most depressing days of the entire year when according to sources such as Sky Travel, the most people will feel depressed. What they fail to identify is the true definition of depression at it’s simplest. It is defined as  a feeling of sadness, helplessness or low and/or altered moods for an extended period of time. Not one day. Certainly not one day determined by an equation or commercial money grabbers.

Blue Monday has the opportunity to do so much good in promoting a positive image for mental illness and can raise discussions around the area which may otherwise still be taboo or stigmatised in some areas of society. It is important to recognise that depression isn’t something which comes and goes for days at  time in accordance to an algorithm or such. It’s a debilitating illness which 1 in 4 will experience in their lifetime. Feelings of depression are not dictated by a date and this only fuels the idea that depression is all about just feeling a bit down. Those of you who have or are suffering from the illness will know it is so much more than that.

Blue Monday is only trivialising the stigma surrounding mental illness yet further. Mental health charity Mind, have also proposed a hashtag #Blueanyday and have publicised their distaste for the commercialisation of Blue Monday  to support the current outrage. The users of Blue Monday as a selling strategy or enticement for goods to make people feel better on this socially constructed day of sadness need to consider the effects that this could have on people who are actually suffering from Depression weeks, months and years at a time. Introducing the idea that depression can exist for purely a day can have huge detrimental effects on those who are currently suffering, a tragically difficult thing to reverse. It could make them feel as though they are suffering worse than they are, wonder why their illness didn’t last purely for a day or why it cannot be cured in a day. Similarly, it may lead to individuals questioning why they aren’t feeling sad on Blue Monday, this again could lead to other negative consequences.

Although there is no sign of Blue Monday going anywhere anytime soon, there is potential to come from it. Promotion of mental health and reducing stigma in the area could be intertwined, educating individuals to have the right attitude and facts about mental illness rather than advocating the opposite to what so many are still fighting against. Stigma free mental health approaches haven’t been fully achieved yet so it’s incredibly important issues such as this do not taint the waters yet more to slow the battle down.

Please remember that it’s not Blue Monday it’s #Blueanyday. Help fight the battle against mental health and the stigma which continues to remain attached.

Together we can fight this.

 

 

5 sleeps of anticipation

I’m currently sat in the lounge at my father’s house. My dad is talking about the new monarchy announcement- Kate’s announced she’s pregnant again and my step mum is debating whether or not to use her 20% discount voucher on a new faux fur jacket for the up and coming autumn season. I however, cannot focus on much other than the five sleeps until my life changes and I move out of home and into my university accommodation.

The next few days are going to hold so much and i’m cramming so much into a very small space however, i’m determined to make every minute count and enjoy my last moments at home and see those who are very important to me!! Just a few hours ago I said goodbye to my nan who was in fits of hysterical tears, anybody would have thought I was dying or at the very least never coming back! I have enough issues keeping myself in check let alone every one else, it seems I finally understand a small proportion of what Queenie was talking about.

Tonight, my dad and step mum are treating me and taking me for dinner followed by a showing of Les Miserable; a show i’ve wanted to see for quite some time now. Tomorrow he has more planned, we’re going to the Harry Potter studios to relive many parts of my childhood when my dad used to read the Harry Potter books to me at bed time and then many years later proceeded by viewing the films. According to dad, the time i’m here this week is going to be retro- he has bought foods we used to have way back when things were different, do things the way they used to be done and have a bloody good time! For anybody who doesn’t know my dad, he’s very resilient to change, so the opportunity to relive some of the old days makes him very happy! 🙂

It is however, very difficult to embrace these changes myself and enjoy the time here because of all the sorting, packing and arranging i’ve still to do when I go home!! There are numerous friends who I want to see, appointments with the bank that need to be made, I haven’t  even started packing yet and there are still a few things to buy for my new home!! It’s all very scary, in fact it has taken over my mind. Alas, I will try my very hardest to enjoy the time I have here whilst i’m being spoilt and have all the food and drink I could ask for I fear the following weeks may not be quite so comfortable!

For now I bid you farewell for I suppose i’d better go and put my glad rags on for the show and do something with my hair that currently resembles a bird’s nest.

Once again, I thank you all for your continued support,
keep smiling!