What happens when you find yourself at war with the one person you can’t escape? When it’s your own mind who’s fighting you. This is not uncommon, but it’s also not common to talk about it. You can’t run away, you can’t switch it off, and you most certainly can’t push F5 as much as you might want to.
I’ve recently started a few new ventures, a new job, a new home, a new therapy and quite frankly it’s all terrifying. I don’t have myself to thank for any of these decisions, in fact it’s all down to my fan club and cheerleaders, for whom without I’m not sure I could function. My mental health is all over the place, even more so than usual but that’s okay. Lots of things are changing and there’s a lot of instability on the ground. However, when your mind is constantly telling you you’re incapable of doing something, or other people are judging you or not to go for an opportunity that crosses your path or accept help from someone who has offered, this can hold you back. It certainly has me. I often wonder how many different opportunities and situations I would have experienced if I hadn’t let some form of anxiety, fear or questioning hold me back. I’m so incapable of making a decision because of this constant war taking place in my head of all of the if onlys or what ifs. it’s impossible.
I am beyond blessed to have people in my life; friends and family who are my greatest cheerleaders. A good friend said to me last week ‘You’ve got this, and I’ve got your back when you don’t’ and honestly I was so overwhelmed with their kindness, I didn’t really know what to do because when i’m fighting myself, they were watching and waiting to help me when I couldn’t do it alone. My cheer team help me make decisions when i’m not in a place to do it for myself.
What baffles me however, is how your own mind can want to do something so badly but be held back by the very same mind as if one half is fighting the other? This is true for many people and has certainly been the case for me in many situations. However, it also remains true for emotions themselves, when in the midst of a low mood and trying to escape I find myself quite literally fighting my own mind when one half clearly wants to feel one way way and the other half certainly does not. Is this just life? Maybe? Does it feel intense? Absolutely, so thank goodness for new moments, new days and fresh starts.
Anyway, i’ve made some big life decisions lately with tremendous help from my cheer team of course and now I find myself sitting in those decisions reflecting. I’m doing them, living those decisions out, big changes but i’m flipping doing it. These decisions haven’t come without challenges, tears or tantrums by any stretch of the imagination, but at the end of the day only I have to live my reality and I’m doing it one day at at time. Trying to make my mind one, at ease with my decision making because after all they’re mine to make or break. I’m in an adjustment phase, it’s taking time and i’m learning to be braver, bolder and stronger with each step and experience I have. Learning to accept where I’m at, not worry about whether i’m behind or in front of where I ‘should’ be or where others think I should be. It’s okay to just be where you are, who you are and what you are. If that’s okay with you then that’s okay. You do you.
Keep going. Let your cheer team help you out when you’re fighting yourself. We can’t always see straight but they can help us. Most importantly, don’t let those who aren’t in our support circle influence our decisions.
Hang on in there, you’ve got this.