The waiting game.

What is it about waiting rooms? They’re like a world of their own. You could be in a waiting room, waiting for the loveliest thing in the world and I still think it would induce an anxiety attack beforehand.

What is it about waiting rooms that is always so formulaic, structured and clinical, even outside of clinical settings?

My recent experience was however, in a clinical setting. Attending an appointment I was already rather nervous for, finding myself plunged into this waiting room world was not helpful.

The plain white walls staring back at me, adorned only with abstract art that wasn’t dissimilar from ‘The Rorschach tests’ which isn’t the most helpful thing when attending an already tenuous appointment. The floor is always lino or that horrid ridged carpet, that’s almost rough beneath your feet as you wait. It’s the eery silence that’s awkwardly filled with the low hum of a local radio station that in this case was so confidently playing Elvis’s I’m all shook up, not the most helpful of soundtracks to accompany my already nervous disposition. The way that suddenly your heartbeat intensifies and you’re aware of every thump in your chest, every inhalation and exhalation and start questioning whether that’s how you normally breathe or not. My legs starts twitching, my chewed fingernails tapping relentlessly on the arm of the most uncomfortable chair in the world. Suddenly aware of every part of your body in contact with the chair, the tapping fingers sending vibrations through it. The thoughts flooding in about what the appointment might hold, what will be said, what will be suggested, my mind in overdrive. I’m all worked up before I even go in for the reason i’m really here.

I think it’s the rooms, they’re all designed in the same way. Each place has their own way of putting you at ease before your appointment. Perhaps a thumbed copy of the House and Home or Cosmopolitan magazine, a vase of flowers in the middle of the room or a nice drinks dispenser in the corner to help distract you for a minute or two.

I’m always early for appointments, I’d much rather be there in good time. Maybe too early sometimes, this arguably makes the waiting room situation worse. I only have myself to blame for this but, there are so many things that can be done or not done to make the whole thing so much more bearable.

1.) Lets try some colour on the walls
2.) Stop with the generic, pale, ambiguous artwork
3.) Comfier chairs, in a relaxed layout. Stop it with the rows.
4.) Upgrade your reading material
5.) Eliminate those fake plants and flowers. Switch ’em for real ones.
6.) Open the windows
7.) Water
8.) Mix up the radio station, maybe a calm, non classical CD

These things alone aren’t huge but they sure would make a big difference to all of us nail biters In the waiting rooms. I feel like i’ve gone through an ordeal before the main event has even taken place.

Anybody else feel like this when they’re in the waiting room?

What finishing uni really feels like

So you hand in your dissertation. That’s it. You’re done. What now?

You a month left on the tenancy of your house. Your family live somewhere else. All your friends are in your university city and most likely living in the same house as you. Some are returning to their families, some are staying put. What do you do? Where is your life now? This is the reality for most ‘away from home’ graduates.

Nobody prepares you for the moment you realise you could be leaving everything you have known for the past three years behind. Nor for the fact that your university home might well become your home post uni. That’s the decision I made. I could not leave behind everything I’d spent the past three years building, everything I had grown to love so much. So now Derby is my home. But nobody could have told me this was the case three years ago as I was kicking and screaming to go back to my family. Nor would I have ever considered this as an option.

What about your job? Having a degree will make you so much more employable. Right? Well, for now a large chunk of my graduate friends are still unemployed. Maybe you could just do a masters, after all you don’t know what else to do? This is the case for another chunk of people. It’s more viable than finding a job in their sector of work and postgraduate loans are now accessible, what’s not to like?  I am not in either of these positions. I fell into a role working with refugees and asylum seekers, a dream come true really but, this is not the case for most people and it’s not currently a permanent role (an area of great anxiety for me).

Within work? Nobody prepares you for that almost instant shift to ‘adult mode’ where you’ve gone from student, young person still relying on discounted clothes and the reduced section in Asda to expected to have it together for a job and responsibilities you’ve never had before. For me, being given a set of keys and security code for the entire building where I now work was a responsibility I was not prepared for. My colleagues laughed at me as I shirked away from the bunch of keys that were being held in front of me. I have lots of criteria to meet for this project I’m co-ordinating and if I don’t meet them that’s the project ended. The funding gets cut and it ends. That’s one hell of a responsibility to be sat on my shoulders considering the amount of positive change this project is causing.

How about your work/life balance? Didn’t really have to worry about that before. What about getting home from a long day and just not wanting to go for dinner or a pint but instead climbing into your pyjamas and getting a good night sleep. How do you deal with the questions of appearing anti-social and like you’ve adopted a changed lifestyle? Change has the potential to make or break many things, friendships being one of them. But, nobody prepares you for this.

What about your friends? Where are they? Did they stay in your uni city or somewhere else? Were you living with them for three years and now you’re having to adjust to life without them? Nobody warned you about the emotions, change in routine or the little things you had come to take advantage of. Things like having to arrange to meet your friends for coffee rather than rendezvousing in the kitchen every half hour or diving on in to their room for a hug if you’re feeling a bit rubbish. This has been a big change for me. Nobody warns you that half of your friends will disperse across the country and even some across the globe, just like that they’ve gone from being an integral part of your life to relatively inaccessible on a daily basis.

Does anyone ever really feel like an adult? Does anybody ever really prepare you for the realities of life? Can you be prepared? You get my point. There are a great deal of ‘what ifs’, unexpected surprises and shocks in store for those who are coming to the end of their degree and graduating. It’s such a tough, transitionary period of life where there is not enough support provided. It’s a scary, exciting time but if people don’t know what to do with these emotions or in this stage of their life., it can rapidly spiral out of control.

What do you think? Disagree with me? Have you graduated? How did you find the transition period?

Pick up a good book. A what?

In today’s news I heard about the dramatic drop in the averages of young girls reading ages. A new report has suggested that the reading age of a vast proportion of ten year olds is considerably lower than average for their age. There is increasing concern that this is due to a growing frequency of technology in households. More tv, social networking, easier access and more gaming consoles in children’s bedrooms. This is happening in children younger than ever. It is now common to see even babies being put in front of IPads, smart phones and consoles.

Now, i’m not particularly old (although my baby brother and nephew may disagree) but, when I was younger, I didn’t have a phone or console….. I read. I was read to until I was able to read to myself. I was encouraged to read at every available opportunity both in and out of school. Although schools are now beginning to encourage reading and comprehension again through schemes such as ‘accelerated reader’, this follows a dramatic slump in the reading community within schools.

To compare to this, I also read about ‘Open Doors’, a Christian charity that works to provide for persecuted Christians worldwide. I heard about the way they had been providing children’s Bibles all over the globe. They told of how this enables the Children to read to their parents and share the Bible with them, as most of the older generation in these isolated locations are unable to read, it tends to be the children who have the ability to read and therefor sharing the love of the Bible to those who might not otherwise be able to access materials of faith.

I sat and pondered after hearing both of these stories today. It really puts things in to perspective. There are children in other parts of the world who would do anything to have even so much as a book to read, whereas children in our own country take literature (one of life greatest things) for granted. I personally think this perspective needs to change, not only for the benefit of the children but the benefit of their futures. By no means am I suggesting that we ban modern technology or hole children up in a secret hideaway where they are forced to read for 22 hours a day (although, I think i’d love that) but maybe we should be reintroducing a greater degree of reading into our children’s lives? If this is through e-readers or books on consoles then great but, theres a whole wealth of information out there that these children are missing out on because they aren’t picking up a book. Books are such a good form of escapism and a source of growth for their imagination.

Reading was and continues to be such a huge part of my life that it’s almost incomprehensible to me that children not only don’t pick up a book for fun but also do not want to? What’s going on?

Come on…. let’s change this. Let’s get our kids reading again.

 

Well, you’ve got what you wanted.

University life is not all about the workload however, the vast majority of my time is spent doing it. One year, two semesters, six modules and 24 (ish) contact weeks, doesn’t sound a lot does it? However, a much greater expanse of time is spent working on the assignments; what feels like endless hellish hours of working into the night, rising earlier than the bird song and seeing considerably more of the university library walls than any individual needs to see in their entire lifetime. But today effectively it all came to a temporary standstill.

  Today I submitted my final report of my second year, I’ve completed all of my exams and I only have one meeting left to attend next week. I’ve spent so much time working towards this moment, every day I’ve worked toward submitting these reports and crawling towards the end of the semester. There have been more trials and tribulations than I care to think about but these have accompanied many many giggles, good times and copious amount of wine and vodka. 

What I’m about to divulge will sound ridiculous to some of you however, apparently according to Owly I’m not alone in this. Despite spending so much time wishing this to be over so I can catch my breath and take a break its now over and the panic has already set in. The panic of not having anything to do, no real work to hand in and no lectures. There’s no structure or organisation, no deadlines, nothing to hand in and nothing to work towards. This is terrifying. Why is it that I spent so long hoping for this moment and now it has arrived it’s awful and I’m panic stricken?

All semester I’ve dreamt of the moment I can fill my days with reading non academic books, wandering through undiscovered lands and catching up on season upon season of missed television however, now I have this opportunity and I’m paralysed by panic and fear; I can do none of these things and this is frustrating too. Owly described the workload as a safety net, like something you can fall back on when the rest of life is a bit wobbly I suppose. It’s comforting to know it’s not just me who has experienced this even though it comes across as absolutely insane. 

So who knows what will happen over the next few days and into the following weeks, I’m going to try and use my time wisely and to achieve the things I’ve been dreaming of for the past six months and hopefully grow along the way.

For now, it’s going to be a day at a time, with those faithful baby steps until I can get to where I need to go. 

Just pivot.

This morning I headed out in an attempt to blow the cobwebs away. The sun was shining, the sky almost cloudless and my spirits high (it’s not often all three align on the same time on the same day). So, after several mugs of coffee I headed out to Hilton Nature Reserve. Now, i’m not the strongest navigator in the world however, I always get from A to B – eventually. Today was one of those days. Three wrong turns, a one way system and two three(ish) point turns later I arrived (and it was still daylight and everything!). I was already impressed at this point, it could only get better right?

Now, at the back of my mind I had the minor Thompson waters incident which saw Queenie and I exploring a new place and getting more or less well… lost. So, as I embarked on this new adventure I ensured to take note of some landmarks and defining features (a bit Hansel and Gretel like with their breadcrumbs). I call it realist, other call it extreme.

It wasn’t until I got to the end of a path I realised, the only option was to turn around and head back down the same path. It dawned on me that my entire adventure was a metaphor for life and the way  we live it.

Let me explain. Along my journey, I made various decisions, whether to turn left or right at a junction, whether to take a photo of something interesting or not and whether to follow the sign posts or whether to take my own route. Along the way, I saw some pretty things, I photographed things and I basked in the glorious February sunshine; but walking along the one path meant I could only see things from a particular direction. I reached the end as I said and had to turn around.

I was walking back along the same path but from a different direction, I now had the sunshine in my face, physically and metaphorically. My surroundings were somehow altered. Sometimes we can spend so long beating ourselves up over something or rehashing a situation over and over when all we really have to do is turn around and view it from a different angle to see things differently. All it took was a pivot and the shadows were at a different angle, the water rippled differently, the trees loomed in a different way and the sun shone on my face rather than my back. Which leads me to this…

When there are obstacles in your way, switch perspectives. Walk the path in a different direction. You might be surprised with what you find.

It’s all about the little things.

Lately, i’ve found myself in a bit of a rut. I’ve been endlessly told that ‘it’s okay to feel this way’ and ‘well, just smile and you’ll be alright’. Now i’m not claiming any of this to be false, it’s just that it’s not entirely helpful when you’re stuck in aforementioned ruck going round in a cycle like the Sedin’s.

Today however, saw me sleep in a little later than usual and arise looking very Sid the sloth like, with a yearning for a mug of freshly brewed, piping hot coffee (well, what else do you reach for on a Sunday morning?). As I trundled down the stairs, it occurred to me how long it has been since I’ve actually spent some time out on a Sunday. So, there I was in the kitchen having arisen before any of my slumbering housemates with my iTunes playing out loud when, it dawned upon me once again how much time had passed since I had actually made breakfast rather than grabbing some form of cereal bar; and running for the bus attempting to break the speed of sound barrier as I do. So, I decided I’d cook up a healthy version of the fry up, dancing around to various country soundtracks and consuming enough coffee to fuel a small family (this is how I function best). Sat at the kitchen table, breakfast of champions in front of me (still the house is unshaken) and what was that I could feel? A sense of achievement? A smile? Happiness? I knew it was something I hadn’t felt in a while!

After making myself presentable to step into the outside world, I had an hour to spare before I had to head out so, I grabbed a blanket and curled up on the sofa with a book. It then dawned on me how long its been since I picked up a book that wasn’t about cognitive neuropsychology or quantitative statistics for dummies. Could this have been another factor to contribute to my grey streak??

Throughout all of this I cannot help but consider the insignificance of these events as they stand alone? Cooking breakfast, Drinking coffee, putting on a bit of make up, reading a book; these are all so insignificant yet here I am grinning away and the day is almost over! I’ve been told for so long to cherish the little moments and I have always focused on them. Albeit, i’m not sure that until today I realised just how much of an effect they can have on your day!

If something so small as drinking a cup of coffee can change your entire day think of the impact you could have on somebody else’s day? All of the small gestures you can make to show them that you’re listening, you’re there, you care! You have the power to change somebody’s day, what a dumbfounding thought. Not only can you submerge yourself in little things but you can help others to do so too.

So, i’m not sure what it is you’re waiting for? Go find the small things that can make the most difference! Put the kettle on.

221B Baker street remembrance.

I only knew Mr Money for a few years but, in those years he and I had many ups and downs. What was always evident was his love for literature both new and old and in particular we would share our love of Sir Terry Pratchett both inside and out of the boundaries of coursework. Mr Money was a very eccentric man who brought his passion of literature into the classroom and let it radiate through him as each class entered and left his room. It was difficult to find yourself unmarked by the passion he brought to the classroom whether it was through the classic literature such as Wind in the Willows or more modern texts such as Pratchett’s latest addition. In all honesty there wasn’t much he couldn’t answer or tell you about literature or anything else for that matter, he was an incredibly knowledgeable man. For all of these reasons and more I was chuffed to see that the high school he worked in have opened a new library in his memory taking on the theme of Sherlock Holmes as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was in fact one of Mr Money’s favourite authors. The library has been named 221B Baker street and features one of Mr Money’s favourite quotes on the wall; “How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?”. The library was in fact opened my Mr Money’s wife who has claimed the library “would’ve been important to Tony.” Now, I am aware that this post has taken on a very formal tone however, I think it should be noted that without Mr Money the hope of succeeding in my English literature exams were considerably smaller and even nigh on impossible. Not only was he a help in the classroom his pastural support outside of the classroom was second to none. I know that one friend in particular who for privacy purposes will be known here as ‘Hughey’ has relied on him so much that the outcome may be very different if he hadn’t had such a huge impact on their life. There are no words to describe this situation other than absolute tragedy which has been inflicted upon a man who has done nothing but good with his life, helping others and infusing a huge number of generations with his love of literature. It’s a tragic situation and one which we will never forget. Mr Money, remembered forever.

Wide open spaces

This week marks week ten of my second semester at the University of Derby, yes this is going to be a personal post and no, I don’t want to rethink it. 7 months ago, my life was very different, there were tears almost all day every day, I was uncertain of my direction and willing to do almost anything to get me the hell out of here. There are no words to explain the darkness that I fell into during those long and laborious months but, what I do know now is that they were necessary for me to know that this is really what I want, that i’m willing to fight to get where I want to go and be able to make my mark on the world and eventually change lives. I now know that every breath I took fighting during those weeks, every tear that fell and every sob that wasn’t heard happened for a reason, It has showed me how strong I am and how much I have grown, journeyed and persevered through one of my hardest times and come out the other side in a beautiful place.

I now find myself sat in my room awaiting the return of my wifey, the one who was there to help pull me from the doldrums despite the fact she was juggling so many other things and she herself had only just moved here too (I will add she’s traveled all over the globe and so therefore is used to being away from home). The first year isn’t over yet but it’s getting there and it’s going to be tough to get there, with an exam on the horizon (we all know how well Emma deals with exams) but, I feel confident that by being surrounded by the right people, in the right place and with the right mindset I can do this. I have done things I never thought possible, i’ve joined the feminism society and spoken up about what I care about, I’ve beed to CU events which have made me question my faith and reduce me to tears within mere minutes. I have stood up in front of large groups of people and promoted events, I have stood tall and strong throughout challenged such as another friends’ ill health, i’ve made lifelong friends who couldn’t be more different from the person I am yet we all get on so well together and I’ve achieved first class pieces of work despite being here merely months. Not one thing I just mentioned is anything I would have done before university but, being blessed with such an amazing opportunity has allowed me to grow as a person and surrounding myself with so many good people has provided me with an invaluable example of what is possible if i only put my mind to it.

I don’t often openly or outwardly praise myself but, my university journey to date is something which I am immensely proud of myself for embarking upon and achieving. Additionally, I know for a fact that I would not still be in this position today without my family and friends who remained persistent with my constant moaning, tears and sobs. Who all continually convinced me to stay put as things would despite my beliefs get better- and they did. So thank you. Each and everyone of you whom without my life would be very different now and considerably more dull and boring!

So, here’s to the future and many many more happy weeks, months and years with the people who have kept me going until this very moment and who knows what our future will hold. All I know is that right now I am happy where I am and long may that continue.

I hope the present and the future holds many positives for you too.
Carpe Diem!

How is that even possible?

Often I find it hard to believe how it is possible to be quite as much of a scatterbrain as I am. I’m sat on the train watching the world go by and clock watching (stupidly I packed all of my books in the depths of my suitcase), luckily however, I have my pc and iTunes to keep me entertained. Goodness knows when Norfolk’s transport system will be introduced to Wi-Fi on the go; it hasn’t apparently yet made it into the sticks- very irritating. And yet the stupidity of the first leg of my journey does not end there; oh no. Minding my own business, respecting personal space, as much is physically possible on a train that is quite so small. My heart begins to race and suddenly I’m in a state of panic… my keys? Where are my keys? Well of course I searched my bags, my pockets all whilst getting some very odd looks from an array of people. And then…. It came to me. They are neither on my person nor in any of my bags, of course they are hanging on the noticeboard behind the door in the kitchen. IDIOT!!!! So not only can I not get into my flat when I arrive back into Derby but I cannot get into my room either. Now, I’m hoping and praying; Neil, the amazing halls manager will be able to be my superhero and provide me with a spare set until I can be reunited with mine in the next few days. Irrespective of the fact there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. still I find myself in the midst of a mild panic of ‘what ifs’ and ‘buts’. So fingers crossed.

Now, despite last night’s minor negative blip today seems to be going surprisingly well. I got up, took my baby brother to school and said goodbye, and remained strong. I am determined for today to be a tear free day- it’s just not necessary in the slightest. Heading back to Derby, arises a mixture of emotions; the vast majority of them positive now. I either want to be back at home or in the flat. Right now. I cannot be dealing with all of this travelling malarkey anymore- it is tedious. I mean, do not get me wrong, I love train travel but I despise train travel with quite so many heavy bags and without necessary reading material. Alas, I am now halfway to Nottingham and the seat next to me is now again vacant. Phew! I can release my elbows from my side!

I am super excited at this point to see my girlies but oh my days this journey is dragging. Come on East Midland trains sort your act out and put your foot down (or whatever it is you do on a train to make it speed up).

Anyway, enough of my rambling. I guess what I am trying to say is today is a roller coaster and let’s strive to end up in the clouds!

Happy Tuesday!

7 weeks (or something) later….

First thing is first, I haven’t blogged since three days before I started my new adventure at the University of Derby. Lots has happened and not happened in these past weeks and I’ve definitely changed as a person again both physically and mentally and although it has been a huge uphill struggle to get to this point alone I have nonetheless made it this far!

I’m currently sat on my new bed, in my new room, in the new flat with new friends. Surrounded by Cally, Tally, Lolly and Yammo (all new flatmates), delving into my take out dominoes (which I hasten to add deliver until 5am something I never knew i’d need before). It’s 12:07am and instead of attempting to look further for the reading due tomorrow I find myself with the urge to write a new blog, something as I mentioned before haven’t done in a while. My mental state relapsed leaving me in a place very similar to that of before, meaning no motivation to update the world on how awful my world had seemingly become. Tonight however, is much different looking back at these past weeks alone I have come further than I thought ever possible and although i’m only three and a half hours from my home town it’s a transition i’ve found much harder than originally anticipated.

Monday marked my first coursework deadline and with a word cap of 1000 +/- 10% I found myself in true notorious Emma style around 600 words over and using my ultimate QUEENIE SKILLS to eliminate that pesky waffle I’m so famous for back home.

I am actually sitting in a flat different to the one my family originally moved me into, i’ve only moved across the corridor but has proven to be one of the best decisions I ever made! The girls here have made me feel so welcome and even when leaving the flat to visit my dad for the first time, I knew it would be incredibly difficult to return to my new life so they all rallied together to put together this for me.

Welcome back gift from my girls

The road to success is never straight forward and for me this has never been more true, a time when i’ve needed everyone back home, my best friends, my family and even my coworkers to comfort me and although they have been here over the phone, via Skype and even to visit in person. The girls in my flat have rallied together to ensure that I’m okay, on a bad day they’ve been there for cuddles, film nights and even those early drunken nights during the freshers fortnight. It really is a case of having to take baby steps again just like Queenie has taught me from day one!

So, it’s at this point I want to thank you all for your continued support, following and patience as I progress on my new journey to hopefully achieve my goals and make my dreams come true!

If you find yourself in a similar predicament, hang on in there. It will get better,
Take each day at a time.