Honestly?

I find it hard to be vulnerable with people. I’ve been hurt one too many times. This is one of those times when my mind is overflowing, life is funny and i’m turning back to my trusty blog.

Let me set the scene….

I’m working in a role that works with refugees and asylum seekers, it’s great. It’s a maternity post. Falling in to this post was without doubt an absolute blessing, it’s been such an experience and i’ve learnt so much both about refugees and asylum seekers and about myself. However, now I find myself in a bit of a situation where my contract is coming to an end, my predecessor is coming back. I’ve been applying for jobs in the same sector but coming up with nothing; reaching interview stages and then never getting the position or often not getting the interview at all. For me, this raises a whole bunch of issues relating to rejection, failure, inadequacy, direction etc. So here I am 45 days before my contract ends with an definite sense of fear. I know for me, it’s easy to spiral things out of control. No job, no rent, no home, no Derby. This is disaster stations.

People keep telling me God’s in all of this and he has a plan for me. I do not doubt this, but sometimes I find this hard to grasp on to in the midst of the chaos. I hate change, I am aware of this, that doesn’t make experiencing it any easier. What am I being called to? I don’t know. Where does God want me? I don’t know. This makes things more difficult. From the outset it looks as though everyone else knows what they’re doing, where they’re going or they know how to find out what it is that they’re going to do. This doesn’t seem clear to me, how do you discern God’s voice when you’re in the middle of what seems like a storm? I know that ultimately God’s will, will be done but how I fit into that right now is not clear and i’m starting to panic. I’m struggling. 

Think yourself lucky

The details of this post are going to be a bit sketchy but the principle will remain the same throughout… you should always think yourself lucky. No matter how your day may be going you have something that somebody else longs for, whether that be good health, a roof over your head, food in the fridge or frivolous things such as the latest handbag.

A few weeks ago two friends of mine had some awful news, it has been incredibly difficult to wrap my head around but at the same time it has required strength I never knew I possessed, to help them out and do anything that can lighten their load in the slightest. As well as all of this it has made me regress into my own little world for a bit because I haven’t entirely known how to deal with the situation myself let alone help them.

How are you supposed to help with a situation that there isn’t anything you can do to rectify it? I could pray, I could worship the sun, moon, stars and elements, I could jump up and down and scream a thousand times for things to change but there’s no guarantee that any of that will work and ultimately all I can do is be there for them. I could never begin to understand how they must feel but, personally I just cannot comprehend the situation. I look to the future and things are dramatically different, I look to the past and again they are hugely different and I look to the present and I do not know what to do.

Everything is very hushed, others send rumours flying around without knowing the true facts, they make things worse, they speculate, they put their foot in it, they ask the wrong questions and they treat them different. This is all wrong. I want to scream at them tell them they’re doing nothing to help but only hinder. How can they do this to someone they see every week, they play games with and drink beer with, someone they would call their friends?

I continue to make them cake, I continue to ask them how their day has been, I still pop round for the occasional cuppa, give them a big squeeze whenever I see them and treat them to a drink. I don’t do any of this because of the latest news, I do this because I always have and always will do.

I do it because I think myself lucky for everything I have and everything they have just had taken from them and put upon them.

Think yourself lucky and live your life to the full for you never know what is around the corner.

….time to face the music.

After two months of being imprisoned within the four walls of his hospital ward tomorrow marks the moving of my Grandad. Much to my dismay he’s moving into a care home. This means he’s not ever coming home again. Ever. This is excruciatingly difficult to comprehend as he previously lived at home with me and the rest of our immediate family. 

The decision has been made that we ‘cannot provide sufficient care’ for him at home in his current state, and as we have been told that he’s not going to get any better due to the nature of his illness, a care home is supposedly the ‘best place’ for him, where he can be given one to one, 24 hour, seven day a week care that we can’t give at home. 

Admittedly I think that the care home will be better for him than the hospital with the stupid, rude, ignorant carer I was faced with the other day however, what thought I can’t expel from my mind is that we should be able to provide sufficient care for him in HIS OWN HOME!! I’m told this is impractical and a faulty way of thinking about it but the feeling of guilt is so overwhelming and i’m in a position of absolutely no power or authority in this situation. Yet still i’m feeling so guilty for not being able to do anything.

Alas, when there really is nothing I can do I guess that I’ve just to help to make him as comfortable as possible under the circumstances and despite the fact he doesn’t really know who I am anymore continue to devote my time to him and make him feel as homely as possible. We keep moving forward.

We continue in hope that one day a miracle cure will be found to prevent this bastard of an illness.  

A bad day.

Anyone that lives with or has had experience with anyone living with Dementia or Alzheimers knows that there are good days and bad days and that they can go as quickly as they come, sometimes they last just a day and other times weeks.

Today unfortunately, is a bad one. Every time the bad days subside you hope that it’ll be the last but, really deep down inside you know that give it a few days, a week or month if we’re lucky and all the progress built up in the previous days will once again be lost. But, you work through it, you show them the right way, you remind them, you help them and you carry on as usual, despite things being far from it. Yes, it’s incredibly difficult but, sometimes you just have to stay strong for those going through it. We don’t really discuss it in our house, it’s just something we’re all learning to live with; some better than others.

It’s watching someone you love slip away right before your eyes, slowly and painfully. Watching them forget even the most simplest of activities right up to some of your most precious memories. It’s not easy.

I pray that one day they will find a cure to prevent this terrible illness that snatches those who we love away from us in one of the most cruel ways possible.

We hope.

Riverside has power.

So, an odd one tonight, one close to my heart and not particularly long or one that’s incredibly thought provoking. As I’m trying very hard to keep my eyes prised open but alas, an important one.

After what seemed like another day in hell, I’d suddenly remembered I’d arranged a short meeting with the Queen. Originally planning on running an outstanding errand and dropping off some VERY important products, it soon turned into a fireside chat with Queenie putting the jigsaw back together and rolling out (not the red carpet) but much needed giggles!

It has occurred to me that Queenie really does have a significant amount of power, as they should. After just a couple of hours, my perspective on the world has changed (although this could be due to my current loss of sight) yet again! Suddenly those Lady A lyrics quoted to me all those months ago may actually for the first time feel within my reach.

‘Down the road the sun is shining’

Admittedly in reach whilst pretending to be Elastigirl but, nevertheless there and visible!

I have come to find myself pondering over a new ‘to do list’, which I hasten to add isn’t an uncommon occurrence within my life however, I have a new found area to elaborate on with this one, a list which contains things I’ve never found myself previously listing. A list which I feel is going to propel me into a much sunnier new landscape. Tonight I have really been all ears and every bite of your Royal Highness’s’  exhortation has been taken on board and will hopefully play a huge role in mobilising the case forward.

Anyway, more to the point tonight has once again proven to me that friends really do have an indescribable power that can often make you do stupid (but fun) things but also the things that you really need to do in order to stop yourself from being bummed out in the least classy of places, and to set you back on track, when you fall off or take the wrong turning. It has also come to my mind what incredible extents of patience it takes not only to hold the royal position but also, any other role of the riverside, especially Owly, Minerva, Gytha, Not so much Fielding (as discovered today) alas. Also, the power in a hug, not any old hug but one at just the right time and with the right sentiments, from the right person does a lot to just boost the power needed to affirm the falcon!

So conclusively, the point of this blog tonight was not only to highlight the power of friends but, also mark the start of tomorrow being potentially a whole new start! New day, new outlook and perhaps even one new (very scary) event! Admittedly not every circumstance is in my control but, there are ones which are and it’s those we all need to remember to take grasp of and regain the ruled edge we may seemingly have lost along the way!

So join me in celebrating, what could be the start of a beautiful, new adventure!